time

They say that time heals all wounds

How many times when something sad, mad or bad has happened, do people tell you that “time will heal?”

Like most things people say, when the shit hits the fan, it is about finding something to say that says “you are not alone; I am here”

But time doesn’t heal. It merely provides space from the event. A buffer between then and now

It’s been a philosophical week for me. FB memories reminded me of where I was 4 years ago. Behind all the posts I could still feel the sadness of things that were happening behind the scenes. 4 years ago we packed up and sold my escape cottage. It was the right decision – and time has certainly shown me that; but it also coincided with someone I cared for who moved on to another part of their life. 1 year into my recovery journey, it completely knocked me.

Time has shown me that they had both been filling a space in my life, that I needed to fill for myself. The cottage and this friend were allowing me to escape/avoid the healing I needed to do, At the time though, all I felt was The Loss.

Time hasn’t healed.

Not these, nor other loses.

But what time gives us is the breathing space to make the changes, the choices and the opportunities to heal.

Because that is Time’s Superpower. At the start of the healing process, everything hurts; we have no perspective, no ability to look forward; no desire to do or feel anything else. The pain often completely engulfs us. And all we can do is exist. One day at a time.

And that’s ok

That’s all we need to do.

Time allows us the space to work through all those feelings.

Sometimes that space gives us perspective

Sometimes it gives us people to help

Sometimes it gives us an opportunity to breathe.

In an ideal world, everything else would stop, so we can process at our own pace. Concentrate on just healing

But we live in an increasingly busy and frenetic world; so we put all these things in the too hard basket and think we’re moving on. That somehow we’re healing, without working through the healing process

And often; that’s exactly what derails us.

Because, like an infected wound, we need to clean out our emotional response and let the air in to let it heal cleanly and then scar over – the scar to remind us of the things that we have lost; and the growth that we have managed.

So back to 4 years ago. I thought I would be ok. Used all my previous coping mechanisms – because hey, they were all I knew, and they had so helped in the past! (Cue sarcasm alert)

What the passage of time has shown me is that the building may be gone; but the memories of my times there remain. It lives large in my children’s memory banks. And those of many of my friends.

I would not have been able to travel as freely as I have, if I still owned it. Financially and time wise, it would not be practical – and look at what amazing places and people I’ve visited in the last 4 years!!

I thought I would eventually retire there. But time has given me other places I might end up in – with the same vibe, but geographically different. The options are not limited by what I had – but by what I might have. It gives me cause to daydream… which is one of my favourite uses of my time. But viewing my FB posts as I packed it up, I can still feel that sadness, that disappointment. But now I can feel it without being derailed. It is ok to be sad; but I have placed that sadness where it belongs.

And the person? Well time has given me the tools to look at the relationship through clearer glasses. I can analyse my role in it. I can accept it for what it was. Incredibly important in that time and space; but conversely it let me avoid doing some really hard personal work. It gave me a cushion for my first year in recovery; but I needed to be uncomfortable to grow. They will always be in a special place in my heart; but time has given me acceptance that it was Time.

We all have choices on how to spend our time. Not our every day lives. They are ruled by whanau, work, life commitments; but the Time between “events”. I spent all the time in the Shit years just surviving – and that’s ok. It was appropriate. But by not using that time to process all the changes that were forced on me and mine; I was merely putting off the time I would need to face it all. Time in those cases didn’t heal; it just sat idling, waiting for me to catch up

I look back at the last 5 years with utter astonishment. I am not the person I was 5 years ago; and yet I am. I have been gifted the time and resources to really look at myself, my behaviours, my choices and my life.

I have learned so much. And have had so much richness added to my life. Outwardly, nothing has changed. I still live in the same house, with the same people. My day-to-day life of caregiving remains. But I view it all differently.

Time has passed. It didn’t heal. But it gave me the room and opportunity to choose a different way of seeing life.

Some of the time, I have hated the process. None of these gains are easy.  Nothing truly worthwhile just happens.

And the last 2 years have been tough. I have lost many very dear people. The ripples of those losses still bump me around. But I spent my time better this time around. I let myself feel all the feels. I didn’t avoid – well not much any way Lol. I took it literally one day at a time, at times. I asked for help – unheard of 5 years ago. I listened to my body – mostly. I took time out. Just blobbed if that’s what I needed. Went and sat under tall trees if I needed it. I tried to not overextend with others – that’s still a toughie for me. My ill health over the winter has taught me I do actually need to pace myself. That I need to take time to do nothing, occasionally.

This time taught me who was really important in my life. Who I really could not live without.

It taught me acceptance of those things and feelings I cannot change.

Time has taught me acceptance is the key to a peaceful life.

The passage of time has taught me how to best use my time. And as none of us know how much time we have; time has taught me to put value on how I will live the rest of my time.

So time doesn’t heal. All it does is provide a buffer between Then and Now; it gives us the space to find perspective and if we choose, to accept the tools that come our way to process the sad, mad or bad thing that happened.

Māramatanga

Perspective

He pakaru a waka

E taea te raupine mai

A damaged canoe

Can be repaired.