unexpected

As is usual at this time of year; I have started a writing challenge with a good friend… this year we have to write 4 pieces – 2 prose and 2 poems; with topics decided by friends.

This is my first piece – a prose topic “Unexpected Love that isn’t romantic” ….

We live in a society that runs to some set expectations

Birth, death and everything else in between.

Historically the ‘in between’ consisted of school, work, marriage, family and retirement. Marriage was definitely heterosexual; and the school and work ran along very strict lines of expectations – girls learned how to sew, cook, type, book keep, teach and nurse. And boys learned woodwork, metal work, Maths, accounting and the trades. Work was simple for women – something nice to tied them over until marriage, while men did the lifelong careers as The Providers

Love was simple too – we loved our parents and grandparents; maybe a brief girlfriend/boyfriend until The One; and of course our children..

All simpler times – or so we were told

But life really isn’t that simple. War and natural disaster showed that women could do all sorts of Manly jobs. And that men could also teach, nurse, keep house.

The wheels of change turn slowly; necessity often being the catalyst. Pioneer women needed to be as tough and possibly even more resilient than the men they arrived with. While the men were at war, women drove trucks, became mechanics, worked in the factories, built bombs, planted gardens, harvested. When the men returned it was hard to put everyone back in their nice, neat boxes… the genie was out of the lamp

Relationships changed; and the need to stay married for life has faded away. If you were in a strong committed loving healthy relationship, of course you stayed. But as we know, humans are not perfect. Not all relationships fit neatly into that box. Wars and other disasters changed people. People were damaged. And damaged people create unhealthy relationships. Luckily we live in times where we are not forced to stay where it is not healthy to do so. Some people bemoan the lack of stability; but I celebrate that people can live in a healthy way – which must make a healthier society…. We now accept that romantic love can have many different looks – straight, gay, bi, ace, pan, none…. Well, we are working on the acceptance level; but society will be better when everyone can feel safe loving how they need to..

But back to “Unexpected Love” ….

I am very fortunate; my life has been full of people who I have grown very close to. Whanau; friends; friends who have become whanau. There are differing types of love; romantic being only one, and dare I say, not the most important one. Lol

I have learned that unconditional love is the answer to many of life’s quandaries. It gives other people the grace to be human; it smooths over minor hurts; it accepts all our differences; it gives us the strength to carry on. It makes us better people.

It is interesting that this topic was provided by a very good, online friend that I have never met in person. But our friendship has deepened over the years with common goals, interests and outlook on life. I know her story behind this topic and celebrate the richness and comfort that it has given her. It has a been a story of care; compassion; true Aroha and now comfort. Truly a blessing

It’s also interesting that when it arrived, I has just realised how much I cared for someone in my life. We’ve been in each other’s lives for about 20 years; but the age difference and responsibility differences made it a different type of relationship. But we are both adults now. I have seen them go through huge hurdles in their lives; at times they were difficult to be around. And it was through this relationship that I realised that unconditional love really helped. They were still complicated. And at times, I was still annoyed; but the Unconditional Love made The Pause, and the dealing with it all, somehow simpler. I could see the amazing human beneath it all; and the love made it easier to negotiate the difficulties and challenges. We weren’t always happy with each other, but we had that Aroha

Recently they’ve been back in my everyday life; and I realised that somewhere along the line, we had ceased to be adult and child; but we are now friends. We have a connection that is tight. We hang out – as friends; we take the piss, joke, tease; but share a common language, memory and understand where each of us come from. I realised that the love I had for them, was deeper than it had been before, and that they will always be in my life. That I would fight for them, and I think they would fight for me. This relationship feeds my soul.

Special mention must go to my recovery friends too. Some of these relationships have been built on ugly crying; sharing our deepest fears and joys; sharing private secrets; acceptance – pure acceptance of the flawed humans we are. The love I feel for some of these people is the deepest I have felt for almost anyone outside of my kids. I know I can rely on them. I value their wisdom; I know that they will be honest with me. It was love that I found when I was looking for peace.

Sometimes love makes no sense. There is no rhyme nor reason for that feeling in our heart. years can pass between contact – but that connection still keeps its beat. We pick up where we left off; and if we do a bit of nurturing and care; it can grow something unfathomably deep….

I sometimes feel that romantic love is fleeting. Ethereal. Not as reliable as it says on the back of the box. But occasionally we find love in unexpected places that simply feeds our souls….

Ka nui taku aroha ki a koe

My love for you knows no bounds