memory

I am currently doing a 30 day writing challenge with a friend . While some pieces are quite personal, some are food for a blog…. here is one of them…

“I was at a fundraiser quiz tonight… in that cute little retro bar that we used to do all our work reunions. I liked the vibe, and it was convenient for all of us

I can remember, vividly, the last time we were there together. It was 6 years ago. I was at my most unhealthiest. You were you. Supportive, but complicated. That special type of contrary that you excelled in. Your dry dense of humour; the way you knew exactly which point to score. Not cruel, because you weren’t that; but that roguish way you knew how to hit a nerve.

You drank

I drank

But you never seemed to get drunk

I did.

We fought. I cannot even remember about what. Even now. But it was bitter.

I do remember waking the next day feeling it had gone too far.

I overthought it for months. I wanted to pick up the phone, to meet, to chat. But at that stage, I didn’t have the ability to be objective, about me, and my reactions…

We met again twice,

The first time, some boring Law Society thing, I was there alone, as usual; and you were there too. I had been anxious, overthinking.. .so many explanations rehearsed. So many responses prepared…. But you just hugged me. And all was well…  I knew, you knew, it had gone too far. Our friendship was better than that…

Then Covid.. and months, years passed…..

2 years later. You came to our next reunion. Long after everyone left, we talked. We caught up. I told you why I was going to Dublin. We talked about your drinking. I “recovered our loud”. We talked, you fessed up, I fessed up. And as you left, you smiled and casually kissed me on the cheek. “bye”

That was the last time I saw you.

A couple of months later.

That awful phone call.

That gut punch.

You were gone.

My fellow conspirator; my secret smoking pal; the one who stayed unequivocally on my side through the shit years; the one who wound me up; that ironic smile; that piss take

I am FOREVER grateful we made up. The grief I occasionally drown in, would be so much worse, if that fight had been our last meeting. I cherish the memory of that kiss on the cheek..

Every year, that photo of us, on that night, pops up in FB memories… every year, I remember.

Your office used to look over our pharmacy; and for months, every time I picked up a prescription, I would leave in tears. I had a puff of someone’s ciggy a few weeks later; my last, you’ll be pleased to know. It was disgusting! Maybe it was all about the company, hey?

It’s been 2+ years now. There was an avalanche of loss after you. And I’m not sure I have even started grieving you. But today, I was in that little retro bar, and I smiled. I remembered You, and I was at peace. Haere Ra, e hoa xx