4am

I’ve been quiet here recently.

I have been very sick and I’m currently in hospital

It’s my 59th birthday

Needless to say, there has been a lot of mind work going on, while my body has been doing its own thing.

I got sick around the anniversaries of my 2 friends’ passings.  Times for reflection to be sure
Anniversaries and birthdays always make me evaluate the previous 12 months.

It has certainly not been a 12 months I ever want to repeat.

And finding myself in hospital, was not the news I wanted to pass onto my friend group, who have lost so much all ready.
But life sometimes just happens and you have to just buckle up.

Its been a year of lessons for me. My word for 2024 was Transformation.  I was excited! Surely, this was The Year, everything would change! But of course, that was not what was meant at all

Instead, it’s been a year of gentle, quiet acceptance

Grief has been my teacher.

Previously I fought grief, hid from it, hid behind it, ignored it… whatever I could do than just face it. This past year though, I’ve just ceded control and let it guide me. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve written, I’ve raged, I’ve so mourned the life I thought was going to happen. I’ve mourned the changes in all my friends and whanau, as we all try and find a way forward.

A year of quiet acceptance

I have so many blessings. And I focus on those. I have really had to do some tough work on envy this year. I cannot keep looking on the lives of others and rail against what I don’t have. It diminishes the huge things I do have.
I have let go of some things i never thought I could live without.
I try to not wasp on about my perceived injustices. That only diminishes me.
I look around at my wounded friend group and marvel how we are all still there for each other. Relationship lines slightly redrawn, but still held together by Aroha.
I know I cannot fix their wounds, but I also know withholding information about me, to keep them safe, only diminishes them
I lay in bed yesterday with my hubby and kids in the room hanging out. And there, there is the gold in my life. Their relationships, including our special new ones with my boy’s girl,  is the bedrock my life is built on. To quote my bro, “I done good”.

So today I’m 59. In one of life’s quirks, I’m now a day older than my friend will ever be. It is a privilege to be here. I may be battered and hoping some answers can be found. But just for today, my cup runs over

Arohanui 💜