oh ffs!

I tripped today, I may have sworn, a lot, and I sat with skinned knees, a broken toenail and was hugely embarrassed. It occurred to me that I felt like a 6-year-old and just wanted someone to pick me up, give me a hug and dress my wounds. But I’m not 6, and so I picked Myself up, dusted Myself off and got on with my day.

And that really is recovery in a nutshell. Shit happens and you find a way to pick yourself up and get on with it. But its not easy. Sometimes I think I’m painting a very rosy picture here, in this written space. That Life is peachy, because I’m working on myself. But like the trip this morning, everyday life is full of hazards. What recovery has given me is the tools to make sense of every situation, to pause and assess what my best reaction would be, and a group of support crew, who understand what that means.

October is a tricky month for me. The perfect storm of birthdays, anniversaries of deaths and the anniversary of a birth that was also a death.  FB also shares with me memories of my early days in recovery – where I was ‘Pink Clouding’; and then a year later when the pink clouds ran out, I crashed, and I REALLY started my recovery. So emotionally its always a complicated time for me. This year it has been aggravated by my run of ill health over winter. I have a couple of niggling symptoms that are driving me crazy. So I think my tolerance is lower than usual. And it has caused a lot of my old insecurities to raise their evil heads. I just feel like I’m covering old ground again, and again.

But Recovery is Fab! I would not change it, or stop it, because I also remember at this time of year, that I never want to go back to where I was. I never want to be that sad, confused, angry, self-hating, tired, burnt-out person ever again. And so I know I need to keep doing all the work. Keep connected and know that this will pass.

But it’s tiring. And its HARD! Things happen where I just want to throw in the towel and swear, a lot. There are situations I come across that I just want to react first, think later. People cross my path, that I just want to slap, because they are the wrong person at the wrong time. There is a flood in my house; or I lose something precious; or the dog throws up on the carpet. Where I lose a whole season, because I’m sick. An old foe I thought I had conquered, appears out of the mist. And so I feel the call of my old damaging behaviours. The instant gratification of a good shopping trip; or a couple of bottles of wine, or something else I used to numb myself. But I’m far enough down the road, to play the tape forward and know that the emotional hangover, is just not worth it.   That ‘This too will pass’. But could it just hurry up??

This week I was chatting with a recovery friend, who is also going through some stuff, and we agreed that sometimes we just wanted a day off – or 2 if I’m honest. A day when we weren’t dealing with Life Stuff; where we did not have to find grace and acceptance, where the committee in our heads just took the day off. Our conversation gave me some peace though – I am not alone, and I am blessed enough to have people in my life who get it. And I don’t need to do this stuff by myself.

And so this is why, in winter, I get up at 6.30am to do an international zoom, with people who are just like me.

Its why I have learned that exercise is my friend.

Its why I try to meditate.

Its why I journal.

Its why I’m open to telling people when I’m struggling (The HUGEST of things, if you know me lol).

Its why I try to eat better.

Its why I build strong boundaries.

Its why I pause, reflect, and then react.

It has become my How, because of the whys.

And its why I share my story, here and in other places. Because I know, somewhere out there, someone who needs it, might just hear the thing they need to hear.

And even writing this today, has made me count my blessings and be ready to face what tomorrow might bring 💜

Nā tō rourou, nā taku rourou
ka ora ai te iwi

With your food basket and my food basket the people will thrive