bff

I was at a whanau event over the weekend. A close family friend was turning 21, and his whanua and friends gathered to celebrate. My daughter in law was there too, and she watched me hanging out with 2 of my close friends. Later in the weekend she told me, how she had loved seeing us together, and how we interacted, and how much she hoped that she would also have such good long-term friends. Newly arrived in Aotearoa, she has left friends behind, but I know she has lots of time to make these very special long-term connections.

What is it that makes people friends? Shared interests, common age, similar backgrounds? All of these, but what is the magic spark that ignites? We were in classes of 30 kids, and yet only 1 or 2 remain in our lives. We have dozens of work colleagues, but only socialise with a few. Something about these people is the catalyst for a friendship. Sometimes it’s a slow burn, time spent together creates those bonds. But very occasionally it is instantaneous. We just click, and that link lasts a lifetime. Whenever we get in touch, there it is, that shared vibration.

True friends keep us grounded, while they let us follow our dreams and fly. We share a shorthand of speech and shared memories. Filling in the gaps of each other’s stories

Some friendships are transient. They rely on that commonality to continue to exist – school, work, similar aged children etc. When that passes, then the friendship fades away. The length doesn’t detract from the connection, its just a reality of life. They live on in our memories, and sometimes we share those stories with others.

The best of friendships can last for decades. Deepening with the years. Sharing events and conversations; passions and interests; lives and deaths. These are the people who are our tribe. The ones who fulfil us, hold us and understand us. They are to be treasured like the taonga that they are. My oldest friendship is over 50 years old. Met while on a school trip together, our friendship has weathered many life changes. Getting together is always like putting on comfy slippers. We just slip back into the conversation. She is the wisest woman I know, and she adds such a richness to my life

We have never been more connected. The internet gives us another layer of linking with people. And an ability to stay in touch, instantaneously, that we haven’t had before. We message each other. Share memes and videos to make each other laugh. We can video call each other – only a futuristic myth when I was a child. We all have pocket pals, that we can connect with. I have met people, online, with whom the connection is as real, as those old school friends and work colleagues. Some I have now been lucky enough to meet in person, and some I will probably never meet. But that magic spark; that intrinsic link is there, holding, healing, entertaining and supporting.

Recently I was chatting with my son, about another one of my farfetched plans, and I pointed out that a particular friend supported my ideas – “oh she’s your Ride or Die” he said, “She’d support anything you wanted to do”. And its true. Ours is a friendship based on support and understanding. But we can also call each other out if we need to. And that’s a strength too.

I was pondering my husband and his bestie over the weekend. Both boguns in their youth; both went on to have extraordinary careers in their chosen professions. Both breaking into that white collar world, but never losing their bogun beginnings. Both chose fabulous wives lol. They both were very family orientated and have lived their lives working hard to support their wives, children and extended whanua. Both old fashioned men with huge hearts, wicked senses of humour. Both attracted good people into their lives. After university, they never lived in the same town again but managed 40 years of the deepest of connections. Cars, sports, music, they travelled through The States together for 3 months and even went to Superbowl once together. Hubby has just bought the car of his dreams, egged on by his mate.

Sadly we lost this friend unexpectedly last year. Suddenly an anchor in all our lives just left. Hubby was understandably distraught. He has lost his Ride or Die, his anchor, his confidante. Being a man of a certain age, he struggles to speak of his grief. But he is surrounded by people who understand his loss, who are supporting him and who will hold him in this space. I cannot imagine how he must feel, but understand that we need to be patient while he processes his new world. We talk of his mate often. He wishes he could’ve shown him the new car. Let him take it our for a spin. listen to it’s roar. And that is the price of these deep friendships. One day one of us will leave. And the person left behind will feel extraordinary loss. But they will also know that they were blessed to have had that person love them and care about them. And if you believe in an afterlife, you know that one day you will be together again.

Hubby and our whanau have stepped up. We are helping our friend’s family as best as we can, honouring the pact that these 2 men made, years ago, that the remaining one would support as best as they could. It was a privilege to be part of that relationship. And the kids and I share the responsibility of that pact.

So at the end of this weekend, that we had driven down to, in the new car that they both dreamed of; Hubby and I left town, foot flat down, engine rumbling, KISS playing on the stereo. Remembering a special BFF and honouring that magic spark, that instant connection, that lifelong friendship…

Taketake

Kia mau ki te aka mautau

Kei mau ki te aka tāepa

Grounded

Hold the vine rooted in the ground,

Not the vine hanging from the heavens