boundary

After my January writing challenge, I found I really enjoyed the process and the dual writing, so I asked another friend for another couple of themes… so here is– “Boundaries”

As an Empath of a certain age, I view the world somewhat differently to a lot of people. I don’t see the age, gender or race of people, I don’t catalogue people to work out where they fit. I have friends of all ages, and all back grounds, it’s the finding of common ground that drives me. Its almost a swirl of colour, and people fit in where they fit in in my life.

For a long time I was very bad with boundaries. Because of people pleasing and other ways I’m wired, I tended to make myself too available to others. Nothing was too much effort for me. I would almost chameleon myself to fit into every situation. I still don’t think that is a bad way to live, but that is not the world we live in.

Did people take advantage? Maybe. Did people disappoint? Yes, sometimes. Did I get hurt? Of course. I am often described as too sensitive. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My take is the world should be more sensitive to care for everyone – but that is a conversation for another day lol.

The reality is that we need the empaths, the creatives, the carers and the sensitive souls. They are the ones who provide the soft landings, the colour in our lives, the comfort. It would be a very hard and bleak world without us.

Which brings me to today’s theme. Boundaries. One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn in recovery is boundaries. I have learned I cannot wander through life open to everyone. That some people are just not healthy for me to be around. They take advantage; they insert themselves too much in my life – I have never been one to be micromanaged lol. Some are just not good for my mental health. I try to not live in a metaphorical echo chamber, to hear all points of view – but I cannot have people in my life who live with a different moral code. It isn’t just “politics”; it is a different set of values.

I’m not very good at letting people go – even those that I know are harmful. Like others I have met in Recovery, I am a people collector. I value relationships, and even if they aren’t working very well, I am reluctant to walk away. But as I have learned to value myself more, I have learned that not everyone gets to stay. Self-respect tells me that I am worth better. That even giving people grace for how they are; does not mean I need to keep exposing myself to their behaviours. Any relationship that makes me feel less, is not one I need to be in. Any relationship where I do all the work, is one that is not healthy for me to be in. I have become much better at the “You know where I am” internal conversation. If I am of value, they will come to me. The whole two-way street thing…

We are all conditioned to observe societal norms. To honour and respect certain people just because of the positions they fill in our lives. Whanau members; work colleagues; bosses; religious leaders etc. But to be blunt, I know I need to assess their cost benefit ratio in my life. Unless it comes out as a positive to me, then I need to limit my exposure to them. Nobody is owed a place in my life.

Family relationships are always complicated. Our roles in families are often set by whether we are parents or children; siblings or cousins; grandparents or the in between generation. Whanau expectations often hem us into behaviours and interactions that we are not comfortable with. Setting boundaries here is probably the most important ones we can set. Asserting our needs in a whanau is possibly the hardest place to do it. But ultimately having these primary relationships in a healthy way really set us up for success in other places. Mutual respect is not a given in whanau, but is vital for all of us, so we can become the full human beings we are meant to be.

Recovery rooms are full of people who need support. A trap for people like me, who are hardwired to help. In the early days I was fully immersed in “helping”. It was early pandemic, and there were a lot of people online working through their early recovery. We supported each other, but of course some people fell away, they either relapsed or just disappeared. I found it so hard to cope with this. Wiser heads have taught me that the only person I can really help is myself; and that while supporting others is important, walking away is also a very healthy trait.  A workable boundary for both of us. Detaching with Love, they call it. Easy to say, not as easy to practice. But as with all these tools, it does get easier once you understand that it is all about keeping yourself healthy. Everyone’s recovery journey is their own, they are entitled to make all the mistakes, all the growth opportunities that they need.

The last boundary I learned, was a hard one for me. I often over assisted. I thought that because my actions came from a good place, it didn’t matter that sometimes they were not welcome. Once I started working on my role in things, I began to understand that I have to respect other people’s boundaries. Just because I think its what is needed, doesn’t mean it is, or it is welcome. A humbling realisation for me. My best intentions were not necessarily wanted. Pulling back, being less “Me” was a very hard skill to learn. One that I still struggle with. But as with all the tools I’m learning, it is baby steps, and practice not perfection.

Those boundaries basically keep me well. And they keep those around me well too.

I can only have people in my circle who respect me and my life; those who understand my needs. And those who’s needs I can take into account.

We all need to work out what works best for all of us. But setting good boundaries and clear expectations from those around us, from whanau to friends and work colleagues, keeps us mentally well and safe. Loving people includes the responsibility of working out the boundaries needed to keep the relationship healthy for both of you.

=/=/=/=/=/=

She loved too well

welcomed too easily

seeking validation

searching for connection

people came

people went

each colouring her life a different hue

some stayed

some briefly touched her life

some set up permanent camp

she absorbed it all

buffeted and dinged by it all

She still loves well

still fills her life with people

those souls that nurture hers

those souls who meet her halfway

those souls whose aroha sustain her

those souls who she has learned to love with care.