yet

Every road trip ever with every child results in the “Are we there yets?”

As an adult we are meant to have learned patience and acceptance. But all of us still have that small chid in us. The one who expects everything to happen faster and to arrive where we think we are going

We all know that grief and recovery aren’t linear. But knowing and feeling are 2 different things. Some days when you are living in grief you just want to be There. At the end. Some days it feels like you’re stuck on a roundabout, without any ability to get off. Roundabouts, Ground Hog Days, thoughts in a perpetual loop, back at square one…. Logically you know you are making progress, but some days you just want to Feel Normal again.

It’s the same with any recovery. Physical or mental, there is always a point, when you sigh, and think “Can I not just be There now?”. Physiotherapy, rehab, counselling, necessary life changes all take time and hard work. Some days it just feels relentless and quite frankly pointless. But somewhere deep inside, we know that stopping is no choice. Going back to wherever we were is no choice. Physically or mentally the only way is forward. Forward to wherever There is.

Last year I was quite sick. 8 weeks of being unwell, 4 of which were spent in hospital. The recovery phase took way longer. When I was sick, I was looked after very well, by whanau, friends and hospital staff. Fed, tested and rested lol. I think, I was, at the time, unaware of how sick I was, and just accepted that this was this, and did all I needed to do. The Convalescence tho was another matter. I gave myself a week to recuperate. Lol. of course it took way longer. It was a long journey back to health, to There. It took rest, pacing myself, acceptance of all my limitations. It took asking for and accepting help. It took lowering my expectations and most importantly it took time

All recovery, grief, processing life takes time. I have a friend who says, “Time takes Time”. And she’s right. The travels of healing, to There, take as long as they take. And for most of us, we don’t even now what There looks like.

For me, after being sick last year, There looks a lot less like I thought it would. I carry residual niggles. I haven’t bounced back to where I was before. I don’t know that I will – and that is another lesson in Acceptance that I am working on.

When we grieve, we are desperate to feel how we felt before. Before we lost someone. But that place has gone. When we face loss, we lose more than just that person, that time. We lose the life we were anticipating. The Journey we had packed for. We lose Us, the person we were, and the one we thought we were going to be. And processing that takes, yup, it takes time.

The same happens in MH and addiction recovery. Some place in our past, we created a vision of the life we were going to have. We spent part of our lives working towards that. And when MH or addiction change that path, it takes a lot of time, energy and acceptance to find our way again. I hate that term journey, but that really is what it is. And its hard. And it takes commitment.

But if we ever want to get to There – whatever that looks like, we need to persevere.

They say Recovery and grief come in waves. And that is such a good analogy. Some days you are just paddling in the shallows, the next you find yourself swept away, gasping for breath, wondering what the hell happened. To feel so far from There, it just feels insurmountable.

But…. I have learned that very annoying phrase “This too will pass” – sometimes like a kidney stone, but it will pass. And I don’t know what tomorrow will look or feel like. So I persevere…

Not knowing what There looks like, means some days it is easy to feel discouraged, or even too self-confident. Some days are easy, some days are filled with Joy and gratitude. “Am I There, yet?”. Probably not. But they serve to remind me that I am healing. That Time is doing its job. It gives me sneak peeks of There – just like when you round the corner on a hill, on a roadie, and you catch a glimpse of the sea… that sneak peek makes the previous windy hill climb so worth it. It gives you that elusive Hope. When I feel that, I know I am healing. And that one day, I will be OK.

I sometimes think there is no There. That maybe if I look at my life as a whole, There will just be the end. Because Life continues to Life. There will always be setbacks, events that I could not foresee. Days when I just don’t want to adult. But recovery is ALL about accepting that shit happens, and if I keep doing all the things I am learning, then nothing is impossible. And if it is impossible, then I need to try something else.

So, “Are we There Yet?”, no. and that’s ok. Today feels closer, or further away. But I am willing to just keep going. Because, who knows, There might just be around the next bend……

Taumauri

E huri tō aroare ki te rā,

tukuna tō ataarangi

ki muri i a koe

Philosophical

Turn and face the sun,

and let your shadows

fall behind you