trust

I haven’t been here for a bit. Life, sickness and travel have distracted the Muse… so I thought I would revisit a few of my drafted, but uncompleted blogs and polish a couple off….

I am a Keeper of Secrets. People tell me things, and I promise to not share them. Sometimes that promise isn’t asked for; it is just implicit in the conversation. It is a huge responsibility, and not one I take lightly. Sometimes it’s very simple to just keep it to me, other times, I feel a weight. But I know, all these things are not my story to tell.

We all know the trope where 1 person knows something, doesn’t tell; and then when the shit hits the fan, they find themselves having to explain why they didn’t spill the beans.

But we all need confidants. People who we trust to tell our secrets to; who don’t judge; don’t advise; just sit listen and absorb. A problem shared, may not necessarily be halved, but sometime all you need to do, is find a safe place to speak your truth out loud.

It is not something I take lightly. I know there is a huge responsibility in being a Keeper of Secrets. I’m not sure if I would be good at poker, but I do know how to keep a bland expression on my face – when someone gets close to someone else’s truth. When asked why I didn’t tell? For me it is simple. It isn’t my story to tell. I have to honour that person’s need to keep hold of their truth. I may not agree with it, but that is not my job at all.

Trust is the backbone of all good relationships

Over the last few years there’s been a few times I’ve been told something almost incendiary. Secrets that are Big. Would I have liked to have meddled, passed it on, to get perspective or extra support – of course. But I always take it back to respect and that it isn’t my story. Has it bitten me on the bum? A couple of times, but I (eventually) sleep easily, that ultimately I believe I did the right thing. I know trust is huge for people. Especially when they are going through a hard time. What they don’t need is me, deciding for them what is best for them. I can listen, and if asked, I can give solicited advice. But that is the most I can do. Sometimes I do end up watching a slow train wreck, that maybe I could have prevented – but maybe I couldn’t. I cannot see into the future any clearer than anyone else. And I certainly cannot be certain of an alternative reality. Maybe if I had shared I would just make a bad situation worse. It’s not for me to judge.

A lot of us have trust issues. Inevitably someone will let us down somehow. Maybe they didn’t deliver on a promise; maybe they lied; maybe they didn’t honour a secret. Every time it happens, we struggle to trust them again, but also it makes us wary of trusting someone else, next time we need a confident. And the paradox is, is that we do need others to offload on; run something by; vent; plan or just chat to. I have a very tight circle of people I trust. But even they don’t know everything. Like all people, there are things in my life, not up for grabs.

To be trusting, requires a level of vulnerability that some of us struggle with. I have had to learn to make myself vulnerable, because I cannot do all of this alone. But having been let down by people within my circle, even people who have been in my life for years; that vulnerability to trust is a hard thing to do.

And, like most; if you have proved to be untrustworthy, then I am inclined to move away from you. I will never trust you with a secret again. I may keep you in my life; but it won’t be the same.

It is a privilege to have someone’s trust. And I’m not perfect, so I know occasionally I have blown it. It Always makes me feel awful. I know that I can do better; that I am better than that. But I am human. And perfection is beyond me. And I try to make amends when I do stuff up.

Relationships can be complicated. Especially in groups of friends. It is impossible and unnecessary for everyone to know everything about everyone. But a group dynamic relies a lot on a level of trust that it is important for everyone to maintain. If I can’t keep your secret, why would I expect you to keep mine?

There is of course; other places of trust. We expect workplace hierarchies to run on trust – many don’t of course; but it is certainly a much better working environment when they do. In most workplaces we find our tribe, those people we gravitate to, almost a buddy system. And of course once we do, we fall into habits of discussing the work politics – gossip really lol. around a coffee, each other’s desk, around the watercooler…. By participating we show some level of trust in the other person. Trust that they will listen to our venting and will hold it for us. But some workplace relationships can be transient – and the trust that is placed can sometimes be misplaced. It has been a while since I worked in a very large organization, but I can recall times when I was very pleased I held my own counsel. Nothing sours a workplace faster than misplaced trust. I found very early that whining about management to the wrong person, can result in strife. And discussing other work mates’ private lives, can often came back to bite you on the bum. Never assume the person you’re gossiping with is loyal to just you. Ultimately they owe you nothing. Throwing others under the bus is how workplaces are lubricated. (as an aside, that old trope of women being the ultimate gossipers is false’ some of the worst gossips I’ve met, are men. I think we all like a juicy titbit or two lol)

 Of course we expect professionals who work with our health, education, finances etc to be completely trustworthy. Our lives, and their reputations depend on it. Nobody would expect your Doctor or accountant to blab your stuff anywhere. Most professional bodies have regulations and oversite to ensure their accountability and to encourage our trust in them. Because without trust in our most personal of affairs, where would we be?

Do we trust in ourselves? That might be a blog topic all of its own… I always could rely on my own judgement and instincts – until I realised I couldn’t. It was a tough truth to swallow. Mental health problems made my decision making somewhat problematic. I was in full reaction mode. And my instincts were off. I was making bad choices. But I give myself the grace that I was unwell…. I knew I was getting better when I realised I had refound trust in myself…. But I have also learned to check myself too. My first reaction may not be the right one. Progress, not perfection lol

I never take for granted being A Keeper of Secrets. And I value those that I know I can trust. It is one of the cornerstones of my life. Trust gives us a safety net to make choices, understand our lives, to be open and to heal. Trusting others shows growth and vulnerability; being trusted shows us our true worth. Neither to be taken lightly

Pononga

Waiho noa iho ngā taonga.

tērā te mana o te Rangatira

Honesty

Leave your belongings anywhere,

such is the honesty shown be the leader.