age

A friend of mine has a t-shirt that says, “I don’t know how to act my age, I’ve never been this age before”..

It’s a sentiment that rings so true for me.

I turn 60 in a couple of months. To me, that’s a ridiculous number! I don’t know what age I feel, but it certainly isn’t that one lol.

Of course! The body would beg to disagree, but even then I know, that compared to many, I’m in pretty good nick. I’m certainly not as fit as I would like to be – 6 years ago I embarked on getting fitter, and I was doing well; walking then biking; daily; getting fit, feeling better, feeling healthy. And then I got covid, which has morphed into long covid. Which is a pain in the arse. It is the frustration that I cannot continue to exercise and maintain my fitness that demoralises me endlessly. Having made a conscious decision 6 years ago to get fit and go into old age healthier and then having had that removed from me; it is annoying. But I practice acceptance. As well as accepting the actual body issues that come from having been around the sun almost 60 times. creaking joints; increasing long sightedness; tinnitus; that sound you make when you stand up lol. Aging is the gift that keeps on giving, but so much better than the alternative. And unlike many of my peers, I am not on any medications – so I must be doing something right…

So when I look in the mirror who do I see?

Do I see a 59-year-old? Do I see a familiar face? I just see Me. And isn’t that the crux of aging? It happens in slow motion almost. It isn’t until we look back at old photos that we wonder where that young person has gone. Of course she hasn’t gone, she’s still here, it’s just her wrapping has changed.

I still am that girl who loves to dance; who loves to be outside in nature; loves the sea and sunsets. The Glitter Queen… Who has always had a voracious appetite for travel. The girl who loved to collect people together, to feed them; to create links between them. I’m still the person who finds the artists and oddballs; the musicians and the night walkers; my soul people. I may still be wildly romantic, and am definitely still a soft touch.

All the challenges I have faced, have not changed the core of me. But life has given me experience, which has provided me with wisdom. And that wisdom gives me the tools to survive whatever life tosses at me.

Age gives you perspective. I once had an argument with a younger person who was affronted that I pulled the “Age” card; that I might know more about life than they did because I had been around longer. But that is the reality. The longer you go, the more you see.. the more you learn. But I guess you also have to be open to learning those things.

We live in times when all of our lives are recorded and preserved with pictures, videos and on the internet. I’m not sure how I feel about that. There are bits of my past, that I’m very pleased are not “out there”. Lol. on the other hand I do regret that there aren’t more records of parts of my past. Would I love photos of old friends? Videos of those times? Definitely. Our memories age just like our bodies. We lose bits, sometimes they soften, sometimes they sharpen on particular things. And in any group of people with a shared memory, we find that we all remember different parts, that somehow make up the full story. I recently watched a video from a friend from a very long time ago. And suddenly I was there!  Suddenly I was in my 20s again. It was very cool.

One of the things many of us struggle with as we age, is not being where we thought we would be. We think we have our lives planned, a vision of where we will be at certain times, and then Life Happens. Illness, loss, work changes, natural disasters, infertility. Very few of us hit significant birthdays exactly where we thought we would be. I spent my 20s, not knee deep in nappies, but knee deep in infertility issues, treatments and IVF. We had moved 4 times. So in all of this, I was remaking connections, moving house, learning new jobs. Not the carefree years I had expected. Luckily as I left my 20s, we finally had our baby (he is heading to 30 this year – that is a mind melt in itself lol)

So I felt like I was a decade behind my peers. Always there with the younger kids, trailing behind. Slower to get to the school years, the college years and then the empty nest years (actually still waiting for those lol).  My peers are now in the grandparent years. Not sure if grandbabies will be my story. But I have no control over that, so I will just keep doing life One Day at a Time…

I am travelling as I always wanted to do. The pandemic threw a few curve balls; but I found, that summer that I did a solo roadie around the North Island, that there are 1000s of places for me to visit in Aotearoa, New Zealand. That I am so content to travel alone. That I can do anything I put my mind to. 2 solo trips to the Uk and Ireland have cemented all of that for me. So bring on the travelling years! Maybe that is my destiny?

7 years ago, I started a blog sharing recipes. That morphed into what it is today – sharing bits of my life, my philosophy and some wisdoms I have picked up along the way. Maybe this is my destiny?

6 years ago, before I came into Recovery, one of the things messing with my mental health, was that I wasn’t where I thought I should be. That Life was trickling away, and I was being left behind. Recovery has given me the appreciation that I am exactly where I am meant to be. That I cannot control the future; that I cannot change the past; but just for today, I am doing what I am meant to be doing.

People say I don’t look My Age. I’m not sure if I act My Age – see quote at the top. I’m pretty sure I don’t dress for My Age. I don’t listen to the music, radio stations, read the books, travel appropriately watch tv – for My Age.

Because My Age doesn’t matter

I look, dress, listen, read and watch – for Me. I choose my interests, not by some arbitrary “use by date”, but by what interests me, excites me, “rows my boat”.

Life has made it difficult to be where my peers are – so it given me the freedom to be where I want to be.

Acceptance has given me the peace that, while I’m not where I thought I would be when I was 20, I know I have a life rich in things I never imagined at 20. So many things have happened, some hard, most unexpected. They shape me, colour how I see life, but beneath it all, I am still Me.

I can choose who and when people are in my life. I know I have skills and wisdom to share. I have 3 amazing humans I’m proud to call my kids. I have a tight circle of people I trust. I have a welcoming home. I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

I could pine for the things that never eventuated. Or I can be extraordinarily grateful for all the things I didn’t expect.

To celebrate this milestone. I have 4 things planned – always an over-the-top kinda gal. lol

An amazing trip with my husband and No1 son; a potluck party at home with local friends and whanau; a trip away with my girl posse and then a final dinner at our favourite Polish restaurant with my extended whanau, followed by a roadie with my Mum. It all seems like the perfect celebration of the first 60 years of my life.

So. when I look in the mirror now, I just see Me. A woman whose life is rich and full. I still see the girl I was, and the woman I have grown into. I still see the fire in my eyes and feel the Aroha in my heart.

And that is the Age I’m meant to be…

E hoa ma, ina te ora o te tangata

My friends, this is the essence of life