chemistry

I was watching a documentary recently, about a family who had lost a son. His sister had the tragic job of letting her siblings know. She said that there are moments in our lives that actually change our brain chemistry. And it struck me as so true. There are those moments good and bad, that irrevocably change us. It IS almost like we are instantaneously rewired.

Someone proposes; we bring new life into the world; we lose someone in tragic circumstances; we lose someone. These moments, and sometimes they are just moments; change us from who we Were to who we Are.

And we struggle.

And the people around us struggle.

We all yearn for the lost part of us. The familiarity of knowing who we were, how we reacted, what we felt. We miss the ease with which we lived. Knowing what to do next instinctively. Now we feel cumbersome in our decision making. We find ourselves more sensitive, more reactive.

A new life might make us super protective; a new relationship might make us choose to live differently. A death will leave us numb, and overwhelmed.

People around us, might feel neglected, ignored, puzzled at the new persona they meet, who looks familiar, but acts like a stranger. They may see sides of you that you used to keep hidden. Rawness leaves very little room for niceties.

That Chemical change will ricochet you off the path you thought you were on

I am not the person I was before I lost a child. I lost some sureness about the universe. I lost some confidence in my ability to become a mother.

I am not the person I was before ill health hit my household. I had to learn new skills, seemingly overnight; I had to become an advocate in areas I had no knowledge. I became a fierce Mama Bear.

I am not the person I was before recovery. I practice things to positively chemically change my brain. I use tools to traverse the complications of my life.

I am not the person I was before my avalanche of loss. I lost not just people, but situations. I lost some of my safe places. I know some people have moved on, instead of being able to wait for me to “come right”. Grief makes us unlovable at times. Occasionally I look up and with surprise find someone no longer walks alongside me.

Coming to terms with change – good or bad; requires us to adjust, to rewire, to learn how we function now.

And Grace.

We must learn Grace.

For others and for ourselves.

I know on the days I still struggle; that my reactions have changed. My instincts, that I used to take such pride in, run pretty ragged. All those negative voices are amplified. All my insecurities come out to play.  

Therefore I have to give myself grace. By understanding that I Am Changed, I know I have to relearn some skills. Just as a car accident, might make me have to learn how to walk again; a moment of change might mean I need to retrain my instincts and my reactions.

I am not Bad, or Mad; I am just Different.

And for my friends and whanau who have had those Chemical changes, I just give them grace.

And I have to find it in me to wait.

To find acceptance and patience.

To remain There, until they can find their New Selves.

To Accept that they will probably always be Different.

To remember that I love them, and they need me more than ever to just Be there. I know that they are even more lost and frustrated than me. That if I am a constant and familiar, then they have something solid in their lives. A touchstone to hold on to.

Our chemistry is what makes us unique. It is what defines us and what powers us. It provides us with our terms of reference for the world. It represents us to others.

Any overwhelming event that changes our brain chemistry can change all of that and skew us.  Time helps, and acceptance heals….

Ka pō, ka ao, ka awatea.
From within the darkness comes light and a new day.