tick tock

“Where did all the time go? The way time treats us and the way we use time is different for everyone. Some become wise with age and others stay perpetually naïve. Then there are those like Saoirse who were born with a wisdom beyond their years”–Stanley Tucci

The muse has been playing with Time as a theme for a few months now. She has struggled to find the right angle, so I will just start today.. and will see where this goes….

For something that can be measured with nuclear precision, I think Time is one of the most ephemeral things around.

We are all aware how it expands and contracts with seeming ease. Waiting for a holiday to start? Time becomes glacial in movement. But then you often see that work deadline heading towards you at galactic speed.

As we age, Time moves quicker, of course, because relatively speaking, a year moves from 10% of your life as a 10 year old, to 1.6% of your life as a 60 year old. We now watch the seasons melt into each other, shorter, way more compact than those glorious eternal summers of our youth.

I believe the pandemic, and I suppose other major world events, that draw a distinct line between then and now; changed how Time feels. Now, for me, there is a distinct life before and after March 2020, when Covid hit us. Life felt lighter then. Life feels more precious now. I love looking back on the naivety I had then – even old cynical me, could not anticipate what living through “interesting times” would be like. In those lockdown days, Time lost its meaning. Without the usual deadlines and routines, we all started to drift. It must’ve been very weird for essential workers, still in their schedules, while the rest of us worked from home or just stopped. I’m sure there were resentments on both sides. Workers who had to go out, felt they were carrying everyone’s load; and some, stuck at home envied their ‘freedom’. As with all things, there was no perfect experience.

For me, the pandemic dovetails with coming into recovery. And so there is a definite before and after Me. I was musing with friends this morning how we found each other in those early lockdown days, on social media. Our ‘Windows to the World’, while we all stayed within our own 4 walls. I made such lifelong, deep and meaningful connections in those days, that my life was changed forever. A believer in the Universe providing what I need, I am acutely aware that those connections happened in that Time and place for a reason. As things changed, and social media became less a place of support, and more a free for all, I was grateful that those connections had extended out into my real world. I wonder at the fresh group of people searching for recovery, where will they find their tribe now? I hope that the Universe finds them pockets of unexpected support too….

But Time?

None of us know how long we have. That is a universal truth. We all feel it passing in different ways, for different purposes. Before recovery I really felt like I was running out of time. For what? I still don’t know. But I felt it deeply. I was panicking that I wouldn’t have Time to do all I wanted – whatever that was. Because my mind was constantly racing, working through all possible scenarios, I was constantly on edge and exhausted. One of the unexpected gifts of recovery has been the newly acquired ability to slow down, to pause, to contemplate where I am, and what I want. I no longer feel that invisible pressure to be somewhere or to live a certain way in a set amount of Time. I know, that’s all very airy fairy. But somehow, along the way, I have silenced that ticking clock.

Turning 60, of all my birthdays with a zero, has been more thought provoking than the others. I have no issue with aging. I would rather that then the alternative. But, as with all these milestones, when I looked at where I was, and where I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do. I was suddenly very aware that now there was less Time ahead of me, than behind me. And that is both challenging and inspiring. I am now at the age, when I can be a bit more selfish with my Time. I have had an adulthood of looking after others and their needs. While some aspects of my life haven’t changed, inevitably people’s dependence on me is waning. This is my Time to do things I’ve long wanted to do.

I now have Time to write – to explore the words that fill my head. Modern technology has given me the opportunity to share The Muse with others. There IS a book in there somewhere. And who knows, one day, it may make itself out there lol. But I have great joy in crafting these words, finetuning and expressing myself, to you.

I have Time to be creative with my knitting. And having found a suitable home for my knits, with the charity I knit for; I get to create, support and challenge myself all in one place.

The Garden. A great place to watch Time pass, with the changing seasons. I now have Time to tend. To weed and feed. To watch the things I plant grow, some thrive, some don’t. Time spent on crops to feed me and mine. Time to teach the next generation how to grow to feed….

Travel. I am in a place where I can now see, if not the whole world, then definitely all the places I can. I find peace, serenity, joy on the road. I fulfil my need to keep learning. I get to meet some of the most remarkable people I know. And I get to share that with friends and whanau, through the modern media we have at our disposal

I get to photograph not just my life, but the beauty I find on a daily basis. I am a visual person. And I now have Time to pause, see and drink in the most amazing bits of nature, on a daily basis.

Turning 60 has also, in a weird way, given me permission to be Less. I no longer am tied to trends of fashion – in clothing OR in action. I can live, eat, wear, Be, what makes me happy and content. I don’t need to twist myself into whatever society has decreed is the Thing for This Time. I can just be me. Comfortable, that if people don’t like that, well, the door is over there. No having to sit in any box, makes us all free. I am, in reasonable health for my age, even with my long covid. I would definitely like to feel better. But this body has held me, carried me through many adventures. I have earned every wrinkle, every scar. My arms have carried the next generation; my hands have helped 100s of people. My heart remembers every person it has loved, and there is still room for more. THAT is a beautiful feeling, oku hoa, my friends.

Sadly I am also in the Time where I am losing friends. As they transition to whatever lies beyond, I feel every loss. I hope that my belief in what lies beyond, is the right one. But none of us know, do we? They all never truly leave though. We carry parts of them with us. In our memories, in the richness they shared with us. With the lessons they taught us. My friends have generously shared their Time with me. I have learned much from them. Learned grace under fire. Learned to be generous with my Time and my story. Learned to be staunch! Learned to laugh and love every single day. Their Time may be done, here, but their legacies are Time-less. For them, I am grateful every day.

We are often exhorted to use Time wisely. But what does that mean? I know some people think sitting in a field, making daisy chains, is a waste of Time. But if it feeds your soul? Then who is to judge that it is wasted? We are told to fill our Time. But if that filling leaves us spiritually empty, then we have lost something not gained. We are told Time is fleeting. And yes, some days it feels like it gone in a blink of and eye. My kids went from babies to adults before any Time passed at all! But I like to think I spent, my Time with them, wisely.

We are told Being Productive is the Best Use of Our Time. But who measures that. What does that look like? Is working a 60 hour week, more productive, than taking Time to listen to someone’s life story? More than waiting for a toddler to find their way across the park, rather than rushing them to the car? Yes, I know, I do yearn for an idyllic world Lol.

With more Time, or age, comes some wisdoms and insights. Age has not taught me everything, but it has taught me enough to know what I want, what I am worth, and what I can offer. It has taught me to use My Time wisely – in the wisest ways that I know.

None of us know how much Time we have. Life is delicate and precious. I would like to think my final ledger book would err on the side of my Productive Time having been spent making my small part of the world better. That my Time spent was on the ephemeral, those things that we cannot quantify. That my Time-line intersected and left a mark on the Time-lines of others. That my Time was used to live my best life.

There is not much more I could wish from My Time

Kua hua te marama       

Something has completed a full cycle