one day like this

“So, throw those curtains wide
One Day Like This a year would see me right” Elbow

We’re having the most beautiful autumn here this year. The days are warm, the trees are putting on their best display In years. There is a gentle feel to this year’s change of season. I’ve been meaning to go out and take photos, as is my wont. But there always seems to be a reason why I haven’t – busy, tired, “I’ll do it on the weekend”, it’s a bit cloudy today, I’ll wait for a sunny day, where the light is better…. Knowing that if I don’t get a wriggle on, I will miss it – autumn leaves very transient after all..

I have a very dear friend who is dying. He asked us for messages, even if he couldn’t answer.

It was a miserable wet day, so I thought I would visit a couple of local churches, old churches being one of his interests; and share photos of them with him…

And then I saw the autumn trees, and I thought “If not today, then when?”.

We save stuff for the perfect day.

We save crockery for special dinners

We have shoes saved for special occasions…

We eat cake on special days…

But if not today? Then maybe never…..

We are sold perfection with every reality show, every advert. Lives that simply do not exist in real life. We are not perfect whanau of 2.5 children; living in immaculate houses; driving brand new shiny cars; all smiling over breakfast. Perfect day, after perfect day…

Life is messy, and complicated and full of rage and tears.  Full of fears and unsaid words.

An immaculate house takes energy from other parts of our lives. I cannot recall any weekday morning, when me and the whanau sat down to a cooked breakfast, all immaculately dressed, all smiling. Pure fantasy.

I am an artist; I live with an artist and 2 dogs, 2 cats and various boys. My house is far from immaculate. But we use our energy to create; to love; to Live.

I used to have a fear of time passing and my not being where I thought I should be. The aging process can be very cruel. Perimenopause really messes with your brain. And we are bombarded with ads that show how our lives are meant to look at this age. Beautiful, elegant, older women, living the dream. The perfect house, the perfect spouse. Their 2.5 children living full and productive lives – in their immaculate houses with their 2.5 children,,, smiling over breakfast….

“Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone” Lou Reed

My life was/is messy. I fit none of the stereotypes that I see on tv and in magazines. I do not have my shit together – and if I did, I would probably lose it under a pile of books, or a bundle of wool. Every day is a compromise – what I would love life to look like, and the reality of what it does.

But now I am at peace – mostly lol – having learned to trust the universe and that I am where I am meant to be – no matter how uncomfortable – is ok.

When the day that lies ahead of me
Seems impossible to face
And when someone else instead of me
Always seems to know the way – Bill Withers

I take counsel from people wiser than me. People whose courage show me how to live fearlessly. People whose gentle kindness and grace, and rage, when necessary; teach me to accept what I have. People who reflect myself back to me and have shown me a way to quell the Bitch Troll in my head.

My friend is tackling dying with grace, rage, honesty and completely on his terms. A musician, he continued to create for as long as he could..  He is completely unaware of how many of us around the world are holding him and his, in our thoughts and hearts.. how many of us, he touched…

So I went to the river.

The trees were beautiful.

The gentle light made me work harder for the best shots.

The smell of autumn – slight mustiness, dampness filled my nostrils. The sound of the river, louder, higher, fuller from the rain. The birds singing as they reaped the spoils of more grubs washed up by the rain. The brilliant autumn colours slightly muted, but gentler for the muteness. The leaves rustling as they were blown gently across the road by the breeze. The Kerplunk as the walnuts hit the ground. The roughness of the bark on the trees. The smooth roundness of a chestnut

My friend was a woodsman. He would’ve loved the glade I was in. Not our native trees, but imports from his land.

I drank in autumn.

Let it wash over.

I gave it time.

I gave it my day.

It was a perfect day

I think today is the best day of my life
Fuck thinking about the future all the time – Tom Odell