amazing grace

Amazing grace!

How sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch; like me!

I once was lost, but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

A daily gratitude list is the cornerstone of my recovery programme. Every day I take time to think about 3 things I’m grateful for. A simple way of bringing positivity into my daily life.

And as I learned a while ago, the word gratitude originates from the Latin Gratus, which in turn means welcome, agreeable, pleasing. It also gives rise to the words gratis – done for free; gratuity – something given for free or beyond what is expected; and grace – unmerited assistance, pardon or favour. All positive and generous aspects to life. All good things to practice whenever possible.

I’ve known about Grace for a lifetime. Being brought up as a catholic, the essence that god gives us grace was drummed into me. And one of the records I played when visiting my grandmother for the day, was a 45 of Amazing Grace. So the I’ve always known the godly concept of grace. “Repent and you will be forgiven”.

As I learn more on my recovery expedition, I’m learning of a nuanced grace. That which we can give to others.

Accepting that everyone is on their own path, and while their actions may be reckless, painful, tragic, thoughtless… If you can see their back story or understand their intention then it makes them easier to accept, forgive.

Often they live, rent free, in your head. If, like me, you relive every slight, every tactless comment; every let down; the only person affected is you. They have moved on, probably oblivious to the storm in your brain. And even if it was intentional, then you have the choice as to how to manage the damage they inflicted.

Another religious saying is “Hate the sin, love the sinner”. I would amend that to “hate the sin; forgive the sinner”. Not everyone earns your love, and that’s ok. Not everyone is lovable, or important enough to take up space in your brain and heart.

One of the bits of advice I get, which tends to rile me lol, is when I’m disturbed by someone is to pray for them. Not me, but them. That’s the start of giving them grace. Its accepting that there are things in their life that I don’t know or understand, but they may be needing some spiritual infusion. If praying isn’t your thing, that’s ok too. Just flick them a positive thought or two. The reason this advice riles me, is because it works. Mostly recovery is rewiring your brain, 1 reaction at a time. I find, it pulls me out of my own head and lets me let go. Not instantaneously, but over time.

I have crossed paths with many, many people in Recovery. And like all communities there are people who I don’t like and don’t get along with. It takes a conscious decision to not dwell on those that I don’t like. If I can give them grace; understand their back story, I can view them as souls on their own journey.

Even those whose actions have directly affected me, eventually I can give them grace and move on. I am better for it. I see some people locked in the misery of spiritual deficit.  I could judge them, and if I’m honest I occasionally do – I am human after all. But if I take the time to understand that, like me, they have a past that shapes them, then I can give them grace. I can also make the choice to not involve them in my life unnecessarily – boundaries exist to keep me well….

The most Amazing Grace however is the grace we give ourselves.

We all have pasts. All have done things, said things, had questionable actions. And we often hold on to all that wrongdoing and continue to beat ourselves up over it.

Mental self-flagellation is huge for people finding recovery. It contributes to low self-esteem; an inability to move forward. Huge sense of shame and guilt. And holding onto all this shame and guilt keeps us from moving forward. Learning to give ourselves grace is huge. Understanding where we were, how we got there and how trauma, grief, addiction, MH made us act as we did, gives us the ability to forgive ourselves and place those actions in the past.

It took me a good 3 plus years to start giving myself grace. I was a product of my life and the things that I lived through. Not bad, or mad for that matter; just a human with humanness and wired a certain way.

Did I do things I’m ashamed of? Of course! But I know I always tried to live my life as a kind person. Dodgy decisions I made were invariably in a response to where I was and how I was feeling at that time.  Looking to fill The Hole in My Soul. Desperately looking for something to ease the pain and desperation I felt. Were I not feeling those things, I would not have acted in those ways. Understanding that life served me curved ball, after curved ball, without also giving me healthy ways to cope made me do some dumb shit. And as long as I learn from each of those actions and take care to not keep repeating it, then that’s ok.

I know that AA and all the “anons” are heavy on the personal inventory/atonement/forgiveness theme. Because by taking account of ours and other’s actions or reactions; and forgiving us and them, we can find the peace we all crave.

Grace can also mean an elegance of movement; courtesy; good will; willingness to be fair and honest; being merciful, charitable or lenient. Showing mercy. All the things we would like others to show us; we are capable of showing others and most importantly ourselves.

I continue to try and live a grace filled life

Manaakitanga

He aroha whakatō, he aroha ka puta mai

Kindness

If kindness is sown; then kindness is what you shall receive