gentle

A couple of weeks ago, someone in a meeting said she was in favour of doing a “Gentle January”. From the Northern Hemisphere she struggles with the middle of winter, all the fuss and joy of Christmas has passed, the days are short and cold, and she is often left feeling a little Meh. She said she’s not one for all the whiz bang starts to a new year, with Resolutions, Changes to lifestyle, Gym promises, Diet pledges, decluttering or complete change of routine. She takes time in January for self-care, solitude and slow living.

It really resonated with me. Of course, here, Downunder; mid-winter isn’t an issue for me – check in with me in July tho, lol. But I do understand the need to rest after, what is always, a full on end of year.

Last year too, was complicated. I felt like my recovery had stalled, I travelled a lot, but always in the company of whanau and friends – which was fabulous but left little time for me to recharge my batteries. I need solo time and solitude; way more than I used to. I knew that I was reverting to some old behaviours but didn’t feel like I had the capacity to do anything about it. I have been struggling to “get back into it”; it all seemed like a bit of a pfaff, and too much work for a while…

World events have also taken their toll. I may live on the other side of the world, but things these days have a very long reach, and I feel that old familiar bubble of anxiety not far from the surface for me…

So the thought of Gentle January really appealed. The weather has not been as lush as we like in mid summer. But I used those wet days to chill and to do a few odd jobs around the house. Self-care occasionally looks like just putting stuff away or sorting that inevitable pile of papers that grow in everyone’s houses.

I took Mum on a 2 day road trip to visit a friend. We took the long slow way there, and on the way home visited a beautiful part of Aotearoa, New Zealand, that neither of us had been to before. There is something instantly healing for me when I sit watching the aquamarine waters of The Marlborough Sounds, eating a sandwich listening to young people hang out on a beach.

We laughed, we took photos, we chatted – we do our best time together in a car, on the road. And the visit to the friend, felt timely for all of us.

I made some quite big changes last year – in my outlook and in my boundary setting. Never easy for me, I always have to process the guilt. But towards the end of January, I realised I am There. Quietly, my mind has let go of the guilt, and I am at peace again.

Last week, I fortunately got to spend time with friends, a lovely chill weekend away, and on the way home, I had that treasured night away, alone. 2 days of driving, seeing what is at the end of the road, and just healing.

The weather was still decidedly average, but the scenery was exceptional, once more I am grateful to live in “Godzone” where beauty is everywhere I look.

I found rivers, feral apple trees by the side of the road, beautiful mists and clouds. And on my last day, the weather out at sea saw the seal colony move to shore and spread themselves along the whole coastline. I got to see babies curled up asleep, safe under the lip of an eroded path, and share that magic with complete strangers who were as enthralled as I was.

As I drive, it is almost meditative, I sort out things that have bothered me, or realign my thinking… Without the presence of others, I can hear the thoughts in my head clearly.

As I ramble beaches alone, finding shells, stones, arrangements that only Papatūānuku, Mother Earth, can arrange; I find peace and serenity..

I spent a night, somewhere I hadn’t stayed before. And lulled by the sounds of the surf, I slept an unheard of, 8hrs 42mins!!!! There’s a lot to be said for a beach lol

I made a plan for the year, sorted out what I’d really like to aim for. And found more pieces for the future I wish to have… and now I have some ideas of how I can manage my anxiety about everything happening “out there”, and some practical things I can do. I am a Doer, after all.

So as January comes to an end, I finally feel ready to restart my recovery work. To start using the Phrases and Words of the year, that I was allotted; that I hope will help me continue on this journey. I am grateful too, that my 6+ years on this journey has shown me, that if I am patient and keep doing the basics that eventually I will find the next chapter I am meant to work.

This blog will continue to evolve, continue to be both my voice and my outlet. But I may try some other writing, and I want to explore more things to do with my photography. Channelling my creativity is definitely a form of self-care for me.

So, watch this space, come along for the ride, and I hope that, like my friend, we can all have practice Gentle Januarys in the years to come….

E hoa ma, ina te ora o te tangata

My friends, this is the essence of life