not to be or to Be

I am deliberately misquoting The Bard, for this is the order that I came to the ability to Just Be.

In the days of depression and probably most of my life, I have had an overwhelming need to be busy, live chaotically, struggle for peace. I could not just Be. And one of the greatest gifts I have found with Recovery has been the ability to sit, peacefully, serenely. Letting Shit go. Living in the moment.

To Just Be

In every recovery meeting I have been to, people have talked of the washing machine brain. The constant chitter chatter and endless looped conversations we have with ourselves. I am stunned when I talk to people who do not have this. How do you live without that constant internal monologue? Are you any happier than me? Any more at peace?

My internal monologue used to be very cruel. I called her The Bitch Troll. She said the meanest things to me. Made me second guess every interaction. Made me rehearse every future conversation. Made me imagine slights and judgements.

I have largely silenced her now. Initially by replacing her with the voices of my mentors and other recovery guides. But the chatter continues. Its just not as inward facing, not as destructive. I have learned to cut her off at the pass – “This is not true”. But I still overthink situations and over prepare for every eventuality. Baby steps lol

When I was depressed I was always Busy. Too busy to stop and rest. Too busy to take a breathe. To busy trying to micromanage every part of my life. It was exhausting. Anticipating every problem and trying to have a solution in place to counter it. Just madness really. And it’s often called living in the madness – because once you are out of it; it is a head shakingly bizarre way to live.

So over 3 years on this recovery way of life. I have found the tools to Just Be

To pause

To breathe

To be mindful

To calm the racing thoughts

To edit the words I use about myself

To go to nature when I need to find calmness

To listen

And to occasionally speak….

I recently had two tragic bereavements. Out of the blue. No warning.

Shock and adrenalin got me to the side of a very dear friend whose spouse, and very old friend, had died.

I arrived with HUGE plans of things to do; how to help; arrangements to make; people to organise…

I made soup. And in retrospect this was a pointer for what I would actually need to do. A few hours spent waiting for the broth to cook, unaided, while I could do nothing more than wait and watch..

For I found that what she really needed from me was to Just Be.

To be a solid point of calm, reassuringly There; a constant for 2 weeks while everyone else Did.

It wasn’t easy. It meant I couldn’t distract myself from my own grief – the very reason most of us are so Busy after a passing. But deep down I knew, it was the thing she needed most.

So I sat

We laughed

We cried

We were silent

She talked

I listened

We let others be busy

We wept

We Were

In a strange way, it was a privilege to be that person for her in that worst of times. People have said they admire me for it. But it was the very least and the very most I could do.

I left with much sadness that I could not stay much longer. But we both agreed it was Time.

I will, of course go back often. And for how ever long she needs.

But for now, she has to Be, by herself to work through the next bit alone. And I admire her so much for finding the courage to make that call

I am so grateful for the years of recovery that brought me to this point. Old me would’ve gone into a frenzy of grief and adrenaline overdrive of doing, rushing, solving…. Anything than just Being; and feeling. So much busyness is just covering feelings, hiding from pain.

On the 6-hour drive home, I stopped in a winter rainstorm by the wild Pacific. I let the elements rush all over me. The wind, the almost sleet; the roaring of the sea; the screeches of the gulls and the calling of the Seals.

And I found Serenity.

Just standing.

Letting nature scrub away the endless narrative in my head.

Just for a moment

To

Just Be