while I was gone…

I know I haven’t written much in the last 12 months. Long covid and a super challenging year have made me struggle for words at times. But the year has rolled over and I need to refind my voice. I haven’t been completely blank; I have written a few recovery presentations; done some personal journalling and composed many a blog – that never made it to the keyboard LOL. So hopefully my muse will refind me, and the words will flow..

 Last September I celebrated 4 years in this thing I call Recovery. 4 years since I accidently asked for help.

This time of year always takes me back to those early days. The long hot days: the busy lead up to Christmas and the time spent with whanau and friends; always makes me remember how I felt in those early early days. Its always a good check as to how I’m doing now.

Every summer has seen me do something to challenge myself and make myself grow further – long distance walking; a 2-week solo roadie; taking up cycling.

And then the Big One – “A different kind of Roadie”

This time last year I was fortunate enough to leave my summer and travel to Dublin and the UK to finally meet some of my online Recovery friends and go on a weekend retreat.

The first time in my life I travelled overseas by myself; my first time as an adult to return to the UK; and the first time since my teen years where I’ve been on a full immersion retreat.

I went with no idea of how it would go. How I would manage the travelling and what to expect of the retreat. The only thing I had no fear of, and the thing that amazed my friends the most, was meeting up with a whole heap of Strangers.

The travel went almost without a hitch; and the odd couple of things that did go wrong, I stayed calm and just sorted it. I absolutely LOVED travelling solo. Being able to please myself was enlightening. And the sense of accomplishment when I got myself there and back; was immense

Meeting those Strangers? Was like catching up with friends I haven’t seen in a while. The conversations flowed, the hugs and aroha fed my soul. One night I found myself dining with 3 of the people who have most inspired me. It was definitely a pinch me moment. A shared lunch in London, where we had a surprise gate crasher was just sublime. And a day wandering around Northern Ireland, with 2 friends that I brought together – who are still in touch. It was the most amazing thing!

I had brought some ideas as to what I wanted to achieve during the weekend guided retreat. Lol; I should’ve known better. My HP delivered not what I wanted, but what I needed. I think all of us came away with a new focus and a revitalised view of our recoveries. It really cleared some roadblocks for me. And pointed me in a new direction

Later in the year, I got to accompany my daughter on her own overseas journey to meet her online friends. We travelled to Atlanta so she could meet up with her artist friends at Momocon. It was her transformation time. And it was such a joy to watch her blossom.

As a bonus, I caught up with another 2 of my recovery friends. They travelled to see me, and we had such good catch ups. As with my earlier trip, it was like meeting old friends and picking up conversations like we talked every day.

Sadly, the rest of the year was incredibly hard. Long Covid has left me vulnerable to every passing bug. Last winter I think I caught no less than 6 coughs and colds. My fitness, that I had spent so long working on in early recovery took a hit.

But the very worst was losing 3 very close friends in quick succession, people who had been rocks for me. It was completely devastating. My friend group were hit hard. Too young, too soon and too suddenly. I spent a lot of time toing and froing to my friends in Christchurch, which was so tough. Either being down there with them; or even worse, being up here, and without them. My husband lost his best friend of 40 years; and my kids, a man they considered an uncle. Even now, the grief is still there, some days rawer than others. I still think of them every day. Still feel the gap that they have left.

I struggled, but am so grateful for the support of my recovery friends and the things I have learned.  I knew I had to feel all the feels and let grief in. something I have previously been unable to do. I learned the power of just sitting and Being. That sometimes all the support that is needed is your presence.

I crawled to the end of the year, exhausted and sad. But proud that I had made it. I hadn’t given in to all the bad things that I could’ve. That I asked for help and used my resources. My faith in my HP carried me through. It all still hurts; but I ended the year still standing

And so…..

…..And in 2 days’ time I set off once more… leaving our hottest summer in years to travel North once more for another meet up in Dublin (who are currently freezing in a big chill – I must be crazy!!) I’m going for longer this time; seeing more places and staying longer with friends. I left last time, feeling I needed more. Am hoping that this visit will cement my progress and give me more insights. Plus I get to hang out with a bunch of weirdos who think like I do. My tribe

My word this year is Transformation

I cannot wait

Bring

It

On!!