decision decision decision

“I used to be indecisive; but now I’m not quite sure”

Tommy Cooper

Have you ever sat in a restaurant, and no matter how many times you peruse the menu you just cannot decide on what to eat; or whether you want fries or salad with it?

Or sat at an intersection and been unable to work out if left or right takes you home faster?

Or stood in the supermarket aisle debating which brand of toilet paper you want?

Seemingly straightforward decisions that seem insurmountable at the time.

We spend our lives making 1000s of decisions. Usually its as easy as Steak with salad; the right road is faster but left road is prettier; and that brand of TP is softer. Everyone has to make decisions every day. It is the way of the world

Sometimes the simplest decisions become difficult.

Recently a friend posted about how people with ADHD, or other chronic conditions need to make an extra load of decisions, every day. And how this can lead to decision fatigue. I was intrigued and began to think how, recently my decision making has been stuttering.

I’ve recently thought “wouldn’t it be nice if someone else could be in charge for a bit”. I could just get up, eat food prepped for me; do tasks in the day that have been set for me and then go to sleep when someone told me to.

Years of being a caregiver to people with disabilities and chronic conditions have left me with a form of decision fatigue. I realise how; every decision I make needs to be run through the filter of what works best for the whole household. Dietary issues need to be taken into account in food shopping, storage and cooking; measuring where everyone’s energy dollars are at, determines who and how the household chores are done; I have to check where 4 people’s health and energy levels are, before agreeing to any outing or extra job. My decision-making process is not as straightforward as others.

Some of my friends travel, like I do. But they usually arrange time off work, do a few household chores, pack a bag, and leave. I have to run through and organise a vast number of things, food, laundry, ensuring medications are up to date. Arranging transport alternatives for people…. And then I pack a bag and leave. No wonder I sleep so well on planes lol.

Grief very quickly erodes your mental capacity to make decisions; there are simply 100s of major and minor decisions to be made. When you lose someone, especially if its suddenly; the decision count very quickly becomes overwhelming. Choices of funeral, songs, guest list, food, songs, photos, burial choices; financial decisions, wills, lawyers, housing; how to help family and friends who are bereaved; what to do with the person’s belongings…. All while your brain has effectively gone into slow motion. Well meaning, kind people turn up with offers of help, but even those offers need decisions to be made. It is exhausting, an its very easy to hit full capacity very quickly.

For people living with a chronic illness, or a caregiver, or someone living with grief; it is extremely easy to get to decision overload at times. A profound inability to make just one more choice. Paralysed with indecision. Incomprehensible to people looking on. When you are stood there, stuck, with someone next to you waiting for an answer, there can be a feeling of being utterly useless. Especially if you know their decision-making ability is working ok; and they are desperate to help by making the decision for you. But we also want to cling on to our autonomy and independence, so often turn away from those offers of help and carry on, slowly inching forward.

Because by and large, we are moving forward. Even if at times we feel like we are stuck on the hamster wheel, or the mouse maze, where we cannot see the way ahead.

If you find yourself in this most exhausting of spaces there are things you can do.

Firstly accept that this is where you are in life. That because of what life has served you, you are carrying a lot.

Don’t compare yourself with how others in a similar position are managing. We are all individually wired, we all have different capabilities and capacities. And we don’t know how well that other person is truly managing.

Set yourself achievable deadlines for the really important stuff. Because ticking off the important jobs, can really ease the pressure.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. It doesn’t matter if you eat takeout 3 times a week, you’ve eaten, that’s the main thing.

Try and set yourself a daily eating/working/sleeping routine. I find if I have a good breakfast, every day, then my day goes better. And I’m less likely to make poor food choices later in the day. If I skip breakfast then come 11ish I’m looking for quick calories, and the day just spirals. Automate your life as much as you can. Reducing day to day decisions.

Be prepared, so that when someone asks If there is anything you need done. You can give them a specific job. A tough one for me, am hopeless for asking for or accepting help. Understand it is self-care, and makes you a better person, not a sign of weakness.

Accept all offers of food. Many of my days are saved with a dinner defrosted from the freezer.

Celebrate when you sort something out. Pause, appreciate that its done, before you move on to the next thing. Give yourself a high 5!!

Take a day off from the big stuff. It will all still be there tomorrow, but you will feel better for having some time out. All the self-care of walking, fresh air, time out, coupled with just making the bare necessities of decisions for the day will recharge you.

Understand that a side effect of decision fatigue is making poor decisions. Getting a dopamine hit from a lot of bad decisions, is also your brains way of letting you know that you need to pause. Wondering why you are buying things you don’t need? Why you find yourself throwing an emotional grenade or pushing the Fuckit button? Finding yourself being unusually impulsive? Maybe subconsciously you think a bad decision is better than no decision at all..

And if you are that person, looking on, bewildered as your friend seemingly cannot decide on salad or fries? Just pause, understand that they know how annoying this must be from the outside, because on the inside,  we are pretty frustrated with ourselves too.

Interestingly, when I was looking for a quote to add to this, any quotes about indecisiveness, all pointed out how bad it is to dither. I think society sees struggling with a decision as a sign of weakness. Maybe this is why, when we find ourselves at capacity and overloaded, we think we’re failing. In reality, sometimes being indecisive is just our brain’s way of protecting us. I think a decision made in haste, is more likely to backfire than one that takes into account where you are.

And some days the only decision you need to make, is to look after yourself

Aroha

Mā te ngākau aroha koe e ārahi

Love

Let a loving heart guide your decisions