…breathe…

It’s ‘that’ time of year again

Christmas

Holidays

The Festive Season

Always a toughie for a “people pleasing, given to obsessive behaviour, perfectionist”, like me. Throw in a shopping addiction, an overly sentimental nature and FB memories, and you have the perfect storm!

FB memories provide a bittersweet Playlist of the last 15 odd years of my life. We all present our best possible face on social media. But behind all the joyful posts I can still feel all the emotions of those years. And the utter UTTER exhaustion. 3 kids, an unwell husband. Doing Christmas for the office – client cards, staff hampers, not 1 but 2 end of year functions; organising end of year things for the kids for school and their friends; then throwing a huge 3 day Christmas extravaganza for the extended whanau.

Did I enjoy it? Yes!

In the early years. I loved Christmas and all its traditions. I loved how we always had 2 Christmases – the Polish Wigilia on Christmas eve, and the English roast on Christmas day. I loved the tree, decorating the house, buying the perfect gifts for everyone. Making and writing Christmas cards, the baking, the food, the music. Encouraging the kids to write their own cards for friends and whanau. Buying everything for their Christmas stockings. Making up a themed Christmas baskets for the staff. Organizing entertaining and themed Christmas parties. Finding a theme and buying all the decorations for the house and table. Generally throwing Christmas cheer and glitter around

It is the season of excess, and I loved it all…. Until I didn’t 

It is such a season of allowable excess. Those of us with addictions in our core, find we can pamper to these addictions in plain sight – everyone is drinking, shopping, partying, eating, gambling, hooking up, partying. It is EXPECTED. Almost compulsory.

And it is Exhausting

5 Years ago, I was in early recovery. Having finally admitted to a couple of strangers on the internet, the sad state of my MH in September, I had naively thought that I would be all better by Christmas. (Christmas being another of those arbitrary deadlines when things will have happened)

Of course, I was not better- far from it. I remember driving around in a too hot car (Christmas being a summer event here) heart racing, brain in overdrive, lists upon lists in my head, sweating, anxious, watching people hanging out at the beach. And I wondered to myself, how is that possible? How do they have nothing to do this close to Christmas? 

But back I trekked to my house, having spent the GDP of a small nation on gifts, decorations and just stuff: to wrap, wrap, wrap; decorate; clean the house and bake. Bake enough biccies for a small shop. Prepare food for a small army

Hot

Sweaty

Anxious

Resentful

I decided that year to write letters to everyone I knew. Sharing how I loved them and thanking them for being in my life. It was a lovely thing to do. But crazy on top of everything else I needed to do

I felt like I was on a runaway train. With no idea of how to stop. I loved ALL the attention I got, for throwing these huge Christmases. I thought that was worth the stress levels. But I knew the kids hated the manic person I would turn into. And I had grown to hate that whirling dervish feeling in my head too.

So I decided I was just going to calm down. 

This was the summer I had started walking every morning. 

I was learning how to meditate. Starting to do a gratitude list every day.

I was learning how to pause

I was learning how to breathe

So I started to slow down Christmas

Just trying less of everything. Baby steps 

I have slowed down a lot over the last few years. Yes, I have still had a couple of huge Christmases – but I’ve learned to delegate and accept offers of help – how novel. The kids are taking over some of the jobs- I’ve even ceded control of the tree, the house, the table and deciding The Theme. 

We recycle decorations to suit the theme. So apart from the annual new decoration for each kid, no new decorations are bought.

I buy less gifts. 

I don’t buy a new outfit OR shoes lol

I bake waaaaaay less. Nobody needs 20 trays of cookies

I’ve simplified the menus

I don’t sweat the small stuff

I have learned it’s all about who’s around my table, not what’s on it

It also about remembering those who were once around my table

5 years on, we will still have a fabulous Christmas. But it will be simpler. My Theme this year is a Beach Christmas. The décor is just the results of my Beachcombings this year. Sticks, stones and shells – Papatūānuku, Mother Nature’s decorations. Which, once done, I will return to the sea from where they came

Will I still get stressed and hot and bothered? Yup. 

Will I pause, take a breath and re-centre? Absolutely 

Will everyone have an awesome time? Absolutely 

Will anyone miss the chaotic person I was? Nope

Will I go sit on a beach and breathe?

Definitely 😎

So I hope whatever Holidays you celebrate. Whatever your traditions are. Whoever you share time with at this crazy time of year. I hope you find peace, aroha, and maybe a small spot of nature to just sit and breathe in

Meri Kirihimete 

Tōtika

Mahia I runga I te rangimārie

Me te ngākau māhaki

Balance

With a peaceful mind and respectful heart

We will always get the best results