blessed

Its “that” time of year….

Where its only natural to look back at the previous 12 months and assess the good or the bad. I say natural, because it is for me, and others wired like me. But I assume there are others out there who just drift from 1 year to the next with no passing thoughts lol

I have been quite mellow and philosophical this year. Maybe it was the brief dance with the grim reaper earlier in the year, or maybe it is just the passage of time; but this year’s end finds me at peace

At this time of year I am usually found writing a Shit List. A summary of all the crap that has fallen, and, once written, I burn it. Exorcizing all those bad memories and events

This year tho, I find no appetite to write it. Its not that bad stuff hasn’t happened – because it certainly has. Grief, at times, has completely derailed me; and losing another friend early in the year just exacerbated it. Continuing my Long Covid journey has challenged me. And, of course ending up in hospital for 4 weeks, was certainly not on my bingo card for the year. My recuperation took months, not weeks, and my MH took a beating.

But…

But I find myself, despite all that, sitting here in peace

So while I may still write that Shit List – I like it as a MH recovery tool; I was thinking I should record my blessings. Of which there have been many, many this year

SO…

I love how, after 5 years, I find some of my recovery tools are second nature now. I can catch myself and do the next best thing. I can ask for help… mostly lol. I’ve learned to pause and breathe and then make a choice. All without thinking. I’ve recently realised that when that awful self-critical voice pops up; I can shut it down. I know it lies to me. I can use logic and curb those feelings. Whenever I feel low, the black dog nipping at my heels, I know, if I just kept doing the next right thing, that I will get there. There is a HUGE comfort in just believing it will improve; you just need to hang on. Now I can recognise when I have an “itch to scratch”; a nagging feeling that I need to feed. 5 years on, I have the ability to not give in, but to work out why I feel that way – and do something positive to stop the itch. Just because my addictions are not chemical in nature, does not stop that ‘climbing the walls’ feeling at times. I know now what to do, who to ask, to just wait it out. Recovery doesn’t stop those feelings, but it means I don’t need to succumb. I can stay the course.

I am blessed beyond belief with my friends. I might be geographically challenged with most of them; but I have developed some really deep connections. And strengthened some I already had. My two spiritual journeys to the Northern Hemisphere have helped me grow more than I could’ve imagined. The travel itself built so much confidence – nothing is undoable lol. I daily connect with many online. The world we live in has such a richness of connectivity. And those time differences really worked in my favour when the 2am terrors hit in hospital.

My Aotearoa relationships have deepened too this year. There is something about long hours talking that break down so many barriers. You move beyond the mundane and find the gold. When you share both laughter and tears you cement the connections you have. A chance bumping into an old friend, who had had her own health journey, was such a gift. She knew how I felt about a few things that others could only imagine. She validated how I was feeling, especially about stuff that others may have played down and said were not really important.

I am SO happy to be writing again. The ideas come at all sorts of time. I see it as a sign my MH has improved from the grief pit it fell into. The muse strikes at the weirdest moments. Generally in the car lol. I’ve often had to pull over, and jot down a few notes in my phone – the brain fog has been known to delete many a good idea, before I can get a chance to write… I know I write quite personally; but that too is a blessing. That I am willing to say out loud how I’m feeling. For years I kept my MH problems a deep secret – The place where they flourished. Out in the open, they have less power over me. Less chance to fester. I am truly touched by people reading what I write. I love all the feedback. I write for me; but am heartened when others take the time to read my ramblings. I hope that for some, a piece may give them hope, or the words to express what they need

The travel. OMG! I love to travel. Seeing new places, experiencing new cultures – even ones so similar to my own. Time spent in my car; even time in airports – people watching being my favourite pastime. Sleeping on planes. Being somewhere I’ve never been, but that I’ve seen pictures of. Suddenly pinching myself, that I’m somewhere I’ve always wanted to be. Visiting friends, I never dreamt I’d meet – and spending that all too precious Time with them. Seeing where they live, meeting their whanau – both 2 legged and 4 legged. Seeing their sacred spaces.

Seeing bands I never thought I’d see. When you’ve lived at the bottom of the world most of your life; seeing any band is such a treat – and never a given. Being in a crowd of 1000s, all there with the same purpose – now that’s magic

Travelling with friends. Sharing those laughs, meals, experiences. Post covid, I know what a real gift that is. Just sitting by a pool shit talking each other – bliss lol. On a bus trip, passing comment on our fellow sightseers. In a night club, dancing til 2; feeling like the old me once again.

Weirdly I’m also grateful for those weeks in hospital. Mainly, of course, because I got better. But also because it made me take time out. And I spent those foggy few weeks, really thinking about what was important to me – and who. It is a rare gift in these crazy times, to have time. Time where there are few demands and someone else is in charge. I was so pleased I didn’t sink into the gloom but used what I had learned to keep moving forward. And now, I am trying to listen to my body. She has carried me well over the years, but I tended to ignore her needs. Sickness and weeks of recouperation have taught me to just take life easier. And what is good for the body is good for the mind..

I am blessed with the wisdom of the Recovery community. They share so willingly, so insightfully. Never telling me what to do. But by sharing their experiences, I am learning how to live. Sometimes it is just a stream of consciousness post, that has the kernel of wisdom imbedded. Just the thing I need to read. Sometimes it is a comment in a meeting. Or a shared reading. Or just a laugh to pull me out of myself. There is a selflessness and lack of self-consciousness in the recovery community that gives me strength and hope.

I’ve also reconnected with a couple of friends I thought were lost. I made amends, even in those cases where I thought I was the victim. I treasure these reconnections. The deepness that has come with vulnerability, honesty and lack of game playing. I still overthink, but I catch myself before I act on those thoughts. Unheard of before. I am letting these relationships unfold as they should. Have taken my hands off the wheel…

I’ve learned that boundaries can be moved. A hard boundary can be softened – when I’ve done the work I need to do. But I feel no guilt in putting in place the things I need to keep myself well. Not everyone has a right to be in my life, or my space. I’m learning to articulate my needs – apparently I really cannot rely on others to be psychic – who knew?? Lol

I’ve let myself grieve, I’ve given myself the time and space I needed. I still hold them all in my heart; but in a far healthier way than I have ever before. I know that there are still pockets of grief, I haven’t got to yet. But that’s ok, when the time is right, I’ll deal with those too. I cry when I need to. I share stories when they come up. The universe sends me reminders when I need them. I’ve stopped being so angry.

One of the greatest blessings this year is being able to recognise when I’m not mentally well and being able to give myself grace. To understand that my thought processes may be a bit skewiff.  And to know that that is ok; for that time. I’ve learned how self-care is good for me and everyone around me. We are all better when I am well. Learning to spend my time well, and not over commit, has made life easier,

Of course, my greatest blessings are my kids. They shone this year. They rallied, cared for me, kept life going while I was out of action. They have grown into amazing adults. I’m proud not only of their achievements, but how compassionate and caring they are. They look out for each other and their friends. They make me laugh; they teach me stuff all the time. And I really appreciated this year, especially; when I heard them share stories of their childhood. How much of what I contributed to their lives that really stuck. In the moment with small ones, you never get that feedback; you often wonder if they notice, or care. So to hear it when they are adults is the best

And lastly, my pooch. That anxious ball of barky barky. His total devotion to me has been so cool. Yes, he drives me crazy, and I could do without sharing my bed with 35 kgs of doggo – especially in these warmer nights. But he loves me, unconditionally. He makes me laugh; and he knows when I just need to sit and Be, and he sits and Is with me

So….. I can recommend an annual Shit list; and the new Blessings list lol. they are both cathartic in their own ways. And of course, my blessings far outweigh my ills – and it is always a good idea to remind myself of that…

Taumauri

E huri tō aroaro ki te rā

tukuna tō ataarangi

ki muri ia koe

Philosophical

Turn and face the sun

and let your shadow fall

behind you