transformation

Its that time of year…

And as I sit in this last week of the year, as always, I look back and assess my year. My word of the year was transformation, and I anticipated much change; that this was to be My Year!

But…

To be honest, it was probably the hardest year of my recovery. Events just kept happening. I spent most of the 12 months, on the back foot, just trying to keep up. Not trying to get ahead even, just trying to tread water. It has been 18 months of incalculable loss. The body blows just felt like they would not stop. Catching my breath was near impossible…

….and yet; I end the year transformed.

Don’t get me wrong; I am still grieving; I still have days when I just want to stay in bed, and hide from the world; but my transformation has been subtle and yet life changing…

For the first time ever, I’ve met my grief head on. I’ve been supported and accepted that support. I’ve given myself buckets of grace. I’ve quietly worked through so many things I needed to work on.

I’ve given witness to other people’s pain; hopefully letting them feel less alone, supported and Seen

I’ve made amends, where needed

I’ve taken responsibility for my part in things. Accepted that my version may not necessary been true. My truth, maybe, but not the whole truth

I’ve revisited the boundaries I put up

I practiced “No” being a complete sentence

I’ve given others grace. No longer trying to run my own show – with them playing parts.

I’ve learned – the hard way – that I am not invincible, and I cannot just rely on my outstanding genes lol

I’ve cried – a lot

I’ve shared this journey – not just for my relief, but so that others may also find comfort; knowing others are going through similar things

I’ve laughed

I’ve danced

I’ve rediscovered the parts of me I liked before I needed recovery – she was pretty cool; she deserves to be seen

I’ve had so many blessings. Whanau; friends; even strangers – all played their part this year

Most importantly though, I have learned to “Be in The Moment”.

When my head is crazy; I may be IN a place, but I’m not really there. This year, I have tried to be mindful of where and who I’m with.

From being in a sculpture garden in Cornwall with my psychic twin; to being in a monastery in Dublin with fellow recovery travellers – many of whom are touch stones for me.

From sharing the grief of watching a dear friend pass – in real time, with friends who felt that grief as palpably as me; to taking photos in the rain as I remembered him.

From walking on my friends’ favourite beaches, wind and rain whistling around us to sitting in the same tearoom that Jane Austen did.

From sitting on the couch, talking about our friend, letting him live in our collective memories; to sitting with 10s of 1000s of people in 35degree heat, watching a favourite band – 2 besties beside me; group of men of a certain age in the seats in front so obviously enjoying reliving their youth.

From sitting in a hospital bed; feeling the fear, the unrest, the hope that it would all be ok; to sitting under the big trees for the first time after getting out of hospital – just breathing in the smells of the forest. Feeling grateful to be alive and Be There again. To countless hours, spent convalescing on the couch, with my pooch, as always, by my side

Driving The Mustang all the way home – loving the rumble and the roar.

Reconnecting with a friend, I thought I had truly fucked up with.

Gathering with my whanau to celebrate what would have been the 100^th birthday of my Dad; a gentle-man; who’s support I miss.

Walking on one of my favourite beaches with my daughter, reliving holidays from her childhood.

And……. by putting my ph down. Especially when out with Friends. So easy to half listen to a conversation, while checking your ph. So easy to gobble my food, while mindlessly scrolling. So easy to miss a moment of connection

Being Present

Being Aware

Feeling all I needed to feel…..

For all of this I am grateful.

I survived, and grew, and isn’t that the best transformation possible?

He oranga ngākau,

he hikinga wairua.

When it touches your heart,

it lifts your spirit.