dance

dance

The muse and I have been travelling. As usual, she has been sparking… a lot! But I’ve been so busy that collecting her sparks into a blog has been challenging.. But today I’m travelling on a train, and the forced inactivity will mean I can give her voice…..

As I journey around the British Isles, so many thoughts come to me. Travelling, seeking, learning, experiencing new things, learning about myself, learning about my companions, seeing dear, dear friends…. All the aspects of a journey…

One of the most hated terms is Recovery is the ‘recovery journey”. We will do anything to not use the term. Its so cliched, but as with all cliches and stereotypes, it has a kernel of truth within it.

We all walk our own paths – a slightly less reviled term lol. And for most of us, while we travel the recovery life, we can choose our companions – and indeed we must nurture connections – but ultimately we are in charge of our own destinations and experiences.

Like all exploratory journeys, recovery is not linear. Like dance steps, there can be a rhythm and a purpose, but not all dances look alike.

There’s the waltz, where we seem to move in circles; the Two-step, where we’re using learned rhythms to move; and there’s the Cha cha – One, Two, chachacha… some movement and lots of celebration.

All these dances progress around the room. And that’s the point. No matter how we work it, the aim is to progress forward… eventually lol

Of course we are all familiar with the 2 steps forward, 1 step back. That halting motion, that infuriates us all. We desperately want to move ahead, but sometimes, life, or ourselves, means that we need to back up a little and regroup

Awareness of our movement is all important. It is so easy to slide into another dance; lose momentum; lose our impetus. Whether we a new at all of this, or a seasoned long termer; vigilance is the key

For people who are creatures of habit; it is inexplicable that we are inevitably always lured by the bad habits. We can, and do, start mediation, food care; exercise, connection, the steps, meetings… All with all the best intentions that this will be The Way…. But somehow, life has a habit of pushing us out of step. Life is full of uncertainties and changes; sorrow and loss; and even joyful events can make us prone to slipping. I have found organising this trip both exciting and distracting. Leaving less time to do the things I know keep me well. But by keeping to my basic, non-negotiables, and by giving myself grace, I can still inch forward.

Complacency and that nagging voice of our mental health issues, including addiction and depression, sometimes make it feel just easier to give in, give up and drop something that we know works. Too many late nights? And the desire to get up and exercise leaves me. Too many social events. And my food habits nosedive.

I do not know why we cannot embed the good as well as we can the bad. I have no answers for that. But I do now know, I need to be vigilant. Take my emotional pulse. Take note of how I am reacting to things? And if any of that is off… then I practice the pause, the reset. The reach out and ask for support.

I know in recent months, while I was struggling with grief and ill health, my support crew were there. Watching, waiting for me to put my hand out. And I did, eventually. Because that is the other conundrum of all of this recovery stuff; we cannot help anyone until they ask. It may not be words. It may be in a message that doesn’t say “Help”; but when they reach, we grasp that hand.

My early recovery was fraught with bad habits. I thought I was doing really well; but all I had done was swap 1 set of bad behaviours for another. Recovery time has given me an all important insight. I can recognise when I need help. But that doesn’t mean I am ready to ask or accept. I don’t know what THAT key is, if I did? I could help 1000s lol.

We have to hit our own bumps in the road; or hit our own rock bottoms. They won’t look like anybody else’s. It doesn’t need to look like homelessness, car accident; suicide attempt; bankruptcy. Sometimes it just looks like a disturbance in the force field of our lives.

Last year, I knew I was reacting poorly to everyday life. I knew I was snappy; illogical; hurt by things that I usually could let blow over me…. So, eventually, I reached out. In a quiet voice at 3 in the morning, I messaged someone across the world and said, “I don’t think I’m very well”.

 That action, spoke volumes. I acknowledged I was in trouble; I reached out; and more importantly I was ready to change something that I was doing…

In the Anonymous fellowships they use the 12 steps; in other recovery ways, they use other programme types. For me, I have cherry picked the bits that work for me – IF I keep doing them

This recovery thing is not a 1 stop shop: nor is there an end of the road. I have to do certain things, regularly, to keep well. And admit it or not, I know when I am slacking off.

My son does yoga every day. Every morning he gets up and moves. I admire him. I too would love to live that way. And I may yet start yoga. But I am very aware that I lack the thing that would keep me doing it every day. People call it discipline; but like most judgemental labels, discipline is not the issue. By not being able to commit every day; it would be defined as a lack of discipline; a hole in my moral fibre. In reality, my brain is wired differently to his. My life looks different to his. I am not less, because I can’t keep the good habits going. I just Am.

Every person I have met in recovery beats themselves us for not being good enough; disciplined enough; strong enough; clever enough…. Enough… We feel we are not enough. Just imagine carrying that around for your entire life

So for today; just for today; I will try to do my 2 steps forward.

I commit, today. To do what I can to keep well.

Tomorrow; next week; next year… are all beyond my control.

My dance is mine to swirl around the room as best as I can. I do have people dancing alongside me. And I lean on and value them beyond imagining… Sometimes we are mutual partners; sometimes I’m leading; other times I am following. And some days I pirouette alone.

When its good, its seamless and joyful. When it’s not; I stumble, tread on other’s toes; lose the tempo, slip over and bruise my knees…

But the eternal secret is to just keep dancing… because to not, would be the worst…..

I orea te tuatara ka puta ki waho

A problem is solved by continuing to find solutions