sixty

I have been a bit quiet around here. I have to confess to being a bit preoccupied since I’ve returned. There is always an inevitable flatness after a big adventure; and combined with jet lag and too many ‘thoughts’; I have found myself unable to finish anything I start writing. Once more I have a collection of ideas, that I start to flesh out and then I get distracted by another set of ideas. And one theme in particular, seems to be running off in several directions, like a spilled can of marbles…. I need to space to corral them all and sort them out…

But in the meantime….

I have been reflective over the last couple of weeks. I am in the middle of a 4-weekend celebration for my birthday. (it is a birthday with a 0; so not as excessive as it seems lol) … but the prep, has, of course, made me think about life and my place in it.

And amidst all the prep, I am painfully aware that there will be faces missing from all my gatherings, it has been a decade of loss. As I went through the photos of my life, they all beamed back at me, smiling, and happy; and that is how I choose to remember them. But for some, the spaces they have left is palpable….

I am finding turning 60 thought-provoking. Much more so than 40 or 50. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not angsting over it. I have never really had an issue with aging. I’m not one for hating the aging process; more I am bemused that I am here. 60 seems like a very strange number to me. I feel 45; though my knees may disagree. And I do wonder how I have amassed that particular number of years.

But over all I love the gifts age has given me. The last 10 to 15 years, particularly, have been a combination of challenge and growth. And that combination tells me that there is still much to learn and much more wisdom to amass… and I love that!

So I sit here weighing up, what riches I have now in my life….

My kids. Well. Hands down. Best thing I have ever accomplished. 3 amazing adults, whose kindness and compassion flow before them. Witty, funny, smart, talented… and above all Kind. If I do nothing else, I helped do that…

For the first time ever, I am comfortable in my own skin. For decades I have felt awkward, always feeling overweight; feeling like I never really sat well anywhere. I had developed personas (as a chameleon) to appear to fit in. but they took energy to maintain. Now I am Me. And like me or not, that is other people’s choices, not mine; I am OK…. I am still sensitive to others remarks and comments and actions but am learning to “adjust my sails” and carry on. Not everyone has to understand or accept me. I am the only one that needs to do that.

I have learned, so SO much. About life, the universe, people; the world we live in… the country I am blessed to call home. From culture to language to food. I have a rapacious appetite for the things and places around me. Oh and the travel!!!!! If I could, I would just travel, and visit all the sights I want to see… and then write….

This thing I call Recovery that I stumbled into 5, almost 6 years ago. Has blessed me with knowledge; understanding; insight; Love, so much love… it has taught me the ability to just sit and Be; to meditate; to listen. It has given me the occasional gift to be still in my body and soul. I have learned how to harness the good within me, and deal with the things I thought were bad. It has given me the courage to “Live out Loud”. So that I may help others with their lives, so that they don’t need to think they are alone with their struggles…

It has given me the knowledge – The Tools – to manage life. To pause, breathe, rest, recover and to move forward. It has taught me Grace – for others and for myself. It has helped me set up healthy boundaries; to continue to keep myself well.. it has curbed my people pleasing. It has made me appreciate myself.

Physically the last decade has been a rollercoaster. In my 50s I chose to take up exercise. To give myself the best, healthiest chance, for the latter years… sadly Covid hit, and it ruined my plans…. Lol… But even with the limitations of Long Covid, I try to maintain a healthier lifestyle; still trying to give myself the healthiest chance for the latter years. I have found the meditative quality of walking. And of being outdoors. Definitely my happy place..

My favourite Poem, The Desiderata, has the line that now runs my life – “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”… I trust that the Universe will provide. That I cannot and should not try and control things and outcomes. Even when there appears to be no sense in what is happening – and all my losses are still senseless to me – that there will be something around me, to care for and look out for me. If I just take my hand off the wheel… I will be ok. And some pretty miraculous things have happened…

Am I grey? Am I creaky? Do I occasionally make old lady noises when I get up? Hell yeah! But that’s just my body doing what its doing. My soul is magically still young – but wise with time. And now, my spirit soars….

So for this birthday – which really isn’t really significant, because the earth has travelled around the sun for just one more time since the last one – I have just taken the chance to pause and ponder..

Whaowhia te kete mātauranga

Fill the basket of knowledge