hush

“Secrets have a way of making themselves felt, even before you know there’s a secret.”

 -Jean Ferris

We all have secrets

We are all privy to someone else’s secrets. It is in the nature of relationships, to know more about that person than perhaps someone who does not know them as well. We are all keepers of secrets. Ours and other people’s. And mostly that is as it should be.

But addiction and mental health problems thrive on secrets; on lives being lived behind closed doors. Instinctually, we know what we keep back from others. And why…

When I was depressed, I could not, would not, share how I was feeling with anybody. While I held it in, held it close, it was almost as if, it couldn’t hurt me. I felt such a failure for being unable to manage life. Everyone else appeared to have a handle on life – why was I so different?

And the damaging behaviors, ironically, were damaging BECAUSE I told nobody. I thought If people knew, they would think less of me. Probably as little of me, as I thought about myself. So, I trudged through, not speaking, not talking, not asking for help. Certain, that if people knew what I was really like – they would want nothing to do with me.

Addiction thrives in and creates secrecy. For similar reasons. Hiding shameful behaviours. Shameful, in some part, because society deems them shameful. Shameful, because we want to protect our loved ones from what “we’re REALLY like”.  Shameful, because we know that what we are doing is not healthy.

We tend to choose people to surround ourselves with who “understand us” – i.e., people who will turn a blind eye to what we are doing, who will enable us to do it. Who will condone what we do.  And who will keep us company. Drinkers find drinkers; drug addicts congregate with other drug addicts. And damn! Don’t shoppers like company?

Until we don’t

Until we have to hide from even those people who understand us…

And the disease continues to thrive, in dark corners, behind closed doors, out of sight; out of hearing…

Addiction and depression cause others to hold our secrets. Sometimes through love; sometimes through complicity.  When society finds our actions shameful, those we love protect us, by keeping our secrets.  They become part of this wretched web. As we isolate, they start to isolate – either fearful of leaving us alone; or because their world shrinks, to accommodate ours. We invite them to join our web of secrets.

Don’t ask.

Don’t tell.

Don’t share.

Don’t open me up to others’ judgement.

Let my shame be your shame.

Hide me from other’s opinions.

Stop me from hitting rock bottom.

Generally, if you find yourself living within a secret – unless it is to protect the other person from clear danger – then it is potentially a situation that is not healthy for you or both of you.

Abuse thrives on living in secret

Don’t tell

Don’t talk

Our Secret

People won’t understand…

Secrets where there is a power imbalance are often harmful. In fact, I’d almost say always harmful. The abuser holds the power; they will condition silence and secrecy in their victim. People in power who expect secrecy of their actions – priests, teachers, doctors, adults, bosses, co-workers – know their actions are wrong. They tie their victim with secrecy, keeping that activity out of view. Isolating their victims, making them think they are complicit in the abuse. How many children listened to the adult telling them that this was “our little secret”? went on to have lives ruined by the secret keeping as well as the abuse. Not trusting. Repeating those behaviours with others? Feeling guilty that they didn’t break the secret and Tell…

How many work situations are compromised by actions that require secret keeping? SA in workplaces thrives on people not speaking up. Not asking for help, because they fear they won’t be believed? How many predators get away with abuse because their behaviour is an “open secret”??

My main disgust with the Catholic church is not just the pedophilia, but how the hierarchy continued and still continues to choose to protect the Church, not the victims. Moving priests. Covering up. Quietly adopting out illegitimate clergy children, all the while preaching abstinence and blind obedience. Keeping the faithful ignorant of the evil that permeated all levels of the clergy; and moving it along. Anyone in authority that does not call out abuse, does not listen to victims, that keeps the abusers secrets for them; is as evil, if not worse. Those webs of secrets and the little that has been done to listen to the victims is a sin bigger than anything they preach against.

Some secrets are, of course, necessary to protect. We all know stories of people who have escaped abusive situations whose whereabouts or even plans to flee, must be kept a secret. Lives literally depend on it.

We choose to keep our friends’ secrets; it is one of the glues of relationships. But there are times when we can and should question whether it is the correct thing to do. It is a hard call to keep a secret when we know it is perpetuating someone’s ill health; or bad relationship; or helping keep them trapped in addiction. What is best is a hard question to answer. But there have been times when I wish I had made different choices. Spoken out. Even to question that person on what they wanted kept secret.

We also must take ownership of keeping secrets, once the secret is out. How many times do we hear “you know, why didn’t you say?”… Because if the secret isn’t ours to tell, if the story isn’t our story; then who are we to tell? It IS complicated. It is FULL of pitfalls; but we have to trust ourselves, our friends and our knowledge of the situation. Life is complicated; relationships are complicated – even good, healthy ones. We all have slightly different value systems. Something  that I think is bad, may not pass the line for someone else. What I think is acceptable may be abhorrent for someone else. But I try and work on the premise that things I know and hold, for someone else, are not my stories to tell. Not my secrets to share. Maybe it is a cop out. But it is how I choose to live,

I try to listen, without judgment; and then if asked, give my take on a situation. It’s not on me to tell anyone else how to live. The only person I can tell how to live is me – and that’s often with a grain of salt lol.

One of the reasons I’m living Recovery “Out Loud”; is so that others know I am a safe place to talk; that I might have some advice that could be helpful. That I have some understanding of where they are and how to get a bit further on. Sometimes, they just need to share a secret to get it out of their head. And sometimes that is enough. If they ask, I will try and give a measured response. No matter if my internal voice is cringing – that don’t need my judgement – just my empathy and love.

If you are struggling with a secret; or are in a situation where you don’t feel comfortable with the secrets you are asked to keep – reach out. Find a trusted person to talk to. Find a counsellor; someone who will listen without judgment. Be open to not keeping that thing secret – it might be the best thing you can do. I felt so much lighter when I talked to someone. Some of my secrets sound so ridiculous to me now. I now know that my disease loves me to isolate; to keep my actions secret. That I can defeat it by being honest – mainly with myself.

Don’t ask.

Don’t tell.

Don’t share.

These words will harm me more than wearing someone else’s opinion of me – whatever it is. I thrive in the light, not keeping myself in the dark…

Kia ū ki te pai.

Cleave to that which is good.