worth

In my late night reel scrolling the algorithm has sent a Scottish jeweller to me. She buys mostly estate lots of jewellery at auction, brings them home, sorts through them, while we watch. There is something very poignant about seeing someone’s life’s collection of treasured pieces through the lens of someone who loves jewellery and finds value in most things. Yes, there are pieces that seem worthless, but she appreciates their history, and often, their construction and design.

She sorts things into piles; keep; salvage; costume and sellable. She painstakingly sorts out clasps and earring butterflies; chains are kept to be repurposed with orphaned pendants; oddities are investigated; and ‘real’ gems are analysed and graded. She obviously loves jewellery, finds value in their age and story, and finds a home for almost everything she buys.

I find the sounds of the sorting – almost meditative – think gently clinking and almost button tin sounds. And my love of accessories and all things shiny, has found a new spiritual home…

A few months ago I spied a bone Hei Tiki in her collection. A Tiki is a piece of Māori art sculpted in bone, wood, pounamu, stone or resin. It represents the first man who descended from a god. And is used to adorn buildings, in Pou (totems) or other places of importance. A Hei Tiki is a small one, carved to be worn.

When I arrived in Aotearoa New Zealand in the 70s. tourist places were awash in small green tacky plastic Hei Tiki. Culturally unsound, but in line with most of the tourist tat available. This has changed over the last 50 years, as an appreciation of Māori culture has grown and now some beautiful individually carve pieces can be found…

I loved how she instantly knew what this wee thing was, and where it originated from. She (and I) mused about how it had made its way to the opposite side of the world…. No doubt a souvenir from an exotic trip down under; or perhaps a gift from a friend. She had no real idea of its value, so put it into the ‘needs more investigation’ pile. I too had no idea of its value, but I felt it pull at me…

I would often spy it in the corners of her reels. Sitting just to the side, sitting in its allotted pile, waiting; and then in the pile of things to be priced and sold.

Then came the reel I was waiting for. The unpredictableness of the algorithm means you never know which reel you will see when; will you even ever see her reels again? Will you miss the one you’re hanging out for?

I lucked upon the very one she posted to sell this little taonga (treasure); again it was late at night. She hadn’t manged to find a way of valuing it accurately, so she popped it on for “A fiver and P&P”… I immediately messaged her, hoping this wasn’t an out of date reel; she replied the next day, and we did the business. It was winging itself back, coming home…

I often wonder about how we value ourselves. What is our Worth? Is it measured in how the world sees us? Family? Friends? Work colleagues? Society? We consciously or unconsciously assess the value of everyone around us. This assessment influences how we interact with people. How much we share with them. Where they lie in our lives, how much we value their assessment of us. How we treat them. How we value others, impacts how we value ourselves – either positively or negatively. If the people we value a lot, don’t reciprocate in kind, it can make us feel less worthy. Weird, I know.

My worth is different for whoever I consult. I know I am important to my whanau and close friends. Businesses tell me I am a ‘Valued Customer’ – usually when I am on hold for 45 minutes or so on a help line. I know people in my past carry beautiful memories of me, surely that has a Value.

I know I contribute well to society; I am worth a lot to my community. I find though, that as I age, I feel society (especially through the media) values me less. I miss the days when more mature women were valued for their wisdom and knowledge. Nowadays youthful looks and lifestyle are worshipped. Grey hair, lines and softening of waists appear to be no-nos. which is a shame, because there is SO much of value in all those years!

Sometimes, we just cannot see our worth. People in addiction and MH issues almost always have a feeling of low self-worth. ‘Not enoughness’ riddles their psyche. Addiction and MH thrive when we cannot find our value.

As I reached my 50s, I felt my worth slipping. I was not where I thought I would be. Life was waaaay more complicated than I had thought it would be.  I had huge feelings of failure, that somehow, if I could only have worked harder, tried more, done better; then life would be easier. Through the aging process and peak perimenopause my self-worth tanked. All of my lifelong insecurities just partied together. I could not find my worth in anything I was doing; I suffered from massive “not enoughness”; and I thought if “people really knew me; they would not like me”. I thought I had no value at all…

Of course this was just my disease fooling me. MH is a bitch at convincing us that we are worthless… Ironically it was seeing the worth in others, and then really trusting in what they saw in me, that finally turned that corner for me. If people I valued thought I was OK, then maybe I was.

There is a danger, though, in measuring ourselves by how we perceive we are perceived. It is easy to fall into the trap of “If I really meant something to this person,. They would treat me better”. Again, this is just my disease messing with me. My worth to others is their business, not mine. How they value me, is their judgement, their prerogative.

So the only real worth I have control over; is my own Self-Worth.

These days I think I’m worth a lot. To whanau, friends, old friends; my community. My appreciation of my self-worth has grown. As I become more comfortable in my own skin, I think I’m OK. As I accept the changes that age is bringing, and stop comparing myself to others, I find my self-worth grows. I will never be waif thin, with high cheekbones. It’s not in my make up. And not in my lifestyle. I also cannot see myself aging anything but disgracefully; I find myself a little out of step with my peers, but that’s ok. I have style that is my own; that suits me and how I live my life. I wasn’t a traditional brattish high fashion following teenager; I wasn’t a “Mothers’ Mafia” school Mum; and I won’t be a home bound, grey haired old lady. And all of that is ok. I will always be a great Mum, to mine and others. I will always be a compassionate whanau member. I will always be loyal and conspiratorial friend. I will always care for those in our society who need more from us. This is where I find my worth..

And my wee new friend; my Hei Tiki? He arrived safely. I do not know his monetary worth – and tbh, I don’t care. I often think of the artist who created him and wonder If they think about the pieces they send out into the world. If they wonder how each piece is valued?

This wee one was like an unexpected 60th present to myself. He travels with me now. That initial connection I felt was present when I unpacked him and is there every time I hold him in my hand. I feel like he has arrived home, he is back in Te Whenua.

His value is not in $$$; but in the story he carries, and the aroha and mana that were created within him. I am finding my worth is in all those things too….

E iti noa ana nā te aroha

A small thing given with love