expect

High expectations often lead to huge disappointments..

This is the season of expectations.

From very small, we are fed excitement and expectations for the festive season. Presents, Santa, food, decorations, “the excitement of Christmas”, family harmony… as we get older those expectations move from the shoulders of others to ourselves.

If you are a people pleaser, or driven by ego – either too big or too small; or obsessive, or addictive, or trying to make amends, or trying to erase the past; or trying to create “new memories”; then  this season sometimes feels like a space where you have to do ALL OF THE THINGS.

If you like to control everything, all of the time, then this is the season to let rip! To try to organise and control everything from the gift giving to the family dynamic. You want everyone to do and be, the script in your head.

We are sold the vision of perfection – the tree, the house, the food, the present, the gathering, reunions, work dos, wonderful interpersonal relationships. As if there really is magic at this time of year. As if thanksgiving, Christmas day; Hannukah, NYE are all cosmically different from any other day of the year.

But Of course, it’s all just bullshit.

The amount of discretionary money is your bank is the same today as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow.

Your ability to be organised, both in yourself and in your work or home, does not change, just because it’s a “season”

The relationship you have with your partner, children, parents, whanau, work colleagues or friends, will be the same. We may all try a little harder, but ultimately all those nuances will be there.

What we were will still linger In people’s minds.

If we were drunk or drugged or over-organised or over-committed, or under involved; or snappy or snarly; or fakely cheery; or useless or useful… these are what will be the starting off point for others. We can be doing all the work, but they may still feel wary of what we may do

And We can be plagued by all those feelings of Not Enoughness. That if we spend more, do more, agree to more, work harder, work longer… then somehow we will Be Enough.

We rehearse conversations, replay old wounds, anticipate trouble before it even comes.

We have the disease of more; however it presents to us. And in this time of year, we over anticipate everything.

I used to be all over this time of year. It was My Job (self appointed); I was solely responsible for it all…

So I over shopped; over committed Over present-ed. I did all the School events, kids’ events, family commitments, work commitments. Everything had to be done ‘by Christmas”– NZ shuts down for at least 2 weeks over Christmas – because its summer and we all want to be out in the sun. Workplace events (I organised 2 every year for the same workplace and fully catered 1 of them); the house was always themed; nobody was ever left out.

The food was over shopped; over baked, over stocked; over thought.

I covered every just in case. Vegan, dairy free, gluten free. Everyone’s individual likes and dislikes. Everyone’s ‘particular’ favourite dish.

Gifts were over shopped.. Gifts for the doctors, the vets, the teachers, customers; staff; staff’s kids; friends of the office. A supply of “just in case” gifts – just in case someone not on my list turned up unexpectedly…

I would be up until 2 every morning for weeks…

All so Christmas would meet MY EXPECTATIONS… (except, of course, I thought I was meeting everyone else’s expectations…. And if it was their expectations, it was expectations I had cultivated over the years)

No wonder I would arrive at Christmas, exhausted FULL of resentments; snappy and snarly and ultimately disappointed

And then of course! We always had leftovers. Too much food. Probably too many presents. People who I hadn’t seen in years didn’t come over unexpectedly. There was Nowhere to put all the new decorations or dishes or clothes…

And of course, if I bothered to take a poll; nobody would’ve missed anything that hadn’t made it to Christmas. People seldom remember a specific Christmas. They all blur into a happy festive memory…

So why all this effort and self-manufactured resentments and exhaustion? Because I suffer a disease of that weird combo – always Needing More and feeling Not Enough…

SOOO how do we scale back on expectations? How do we short circuit the “Over and Excessive”?

Like we do every other thing in our recovery lives. ODAAT; one step at a time.

So we pause

We Breathe

We take our own inventory

And then we communicate clearly and rationally

We understand that Nobody else can see in our heads. Nobody sees “the great plan”. Nobody else sees the invisible timeline

We give others grace to move at their own speed

We meditate to work out what is really important

We exercise self-care

• Go to bed at a reasonable time every night
• Eat healthy – this season is NOT an excuse to drink, drug, overeat, under eat – whatever unhealthy habit we crave…
• We don’t over commit. We don’t actually need to catch up with everyone we know “before Christmas”

We rein back on all the commercial shit that is around

We breathe

We go outside and touch the grass or the snow lol

We lower everyone else’s expectations by being honest “I cannot do this this year”. “I cannot come”. “This year we will do stuff differently and focus on less”

We face those demons that are seasonal. Either winter/summer climate/light related; or the Ghosts of Christmas Past. They are in the past. They cannot hurt us now. We let go of the slights and rudeness from the past.

We use all the tools that keep us well during the other 11 months of the year

We pause; we breathe. We accept.

There is no perfect Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other celebration. There is no perfect family. There is no perfect house.

We accept This is who We Are, and this is all we can do….

…And I wrote this all as a reminder to me… the whirling dervish or past festive seasons, who wants to just be at peace….

Meri Kirihimete, e hoa

Merry Christmas, my friend