rehearse

Its that time of year

I don’t know about you, but my busy brain rehearses so many conversations, events, gatherings, outfits, purchase, journeys…. Most of which never come to pass. A waste of all that brain power; and yet I often struggle to stop the churn

I once heard that we have a committee in our heads. With voices responsible for note taking; managing; suggestions; recalling; taking not of resentments…. A whole group of conflicting voices and thoughts. It is exhausting.

I am slowly learning to stop the churn, but as with all this stuff, its baby steps and not a linear process

I caught myself in the car the other day rehearsing forthcoming conversations with a whanau member. Ridiculous really. Even if those subjects come up – whose to say they will evolve as I imagine?? I could feel my anxiety and defensiveness rising, about something that hasn’t happened – just crazy.

There are times, of course when we do need to rehearse. Job interviews: a speech we’re called upon to make; prepping for a big event; a proposal. 💖 Prepping for an important project; studying for an exam. Even making a complaint. Times when being prepared is necessary for a better outcome.

But not the mindless preparation for the “what it” scenario.Learning acceptance of others has somewhat helped short circuit this endless loop. If I can truly accept that the only person’s behaviour I have control over is mine – then it is pointless to rehearse all the what if scenarios.

Some people have learned this rehearsing as a survival method after years of emotional abuse and neglect – a lifetime of always being on high alert has meant that their coping skill, is to always be prepared for all eventualities

Others use it as a way to mask self-esteem issues. If they seem to have all the answers, maybe they can disguise the massive self-doubt inside.

Some of course, use it as a way of protecting themselves from the inevitable disappointment they feel they will be, to others who don’t understand them; or the very learned pattern of criticism and negative comparison.

Does all this rehearsing help? I really don’t know. I know for me, 99% of it Is pointless. And often it’s a symptom of something else that’s troubling me. I’ve been known to spend hours looking for the perfect pair of shoes to wear to a dinner that hasn’t even been organised or suggested. At those times, I can now recognise that I’m not well and need to get back to some basics.

The behaviour itself is not wrong. It’s just a sign that I need to work on something that’s troubling me. None of these rehearsals are inherently bad or wrong. They simply Are. But they are often a huge hint that we need to pause, breathe and work on whatever the underlying issue is.

Of course, we all have difficult people in our lives. People who bring out the coping mechanisms in us. What we really need to rehearse is not the conversation, but a healthy coping strategy

And at this time of year, when all the stresses of the season are on us; it is healthy to rehearse several coping strategies for different people and events.If this time of year is hard then quietly formulate some plans to limit your stressors

• Have an escape plan. This might mean driving yourself to an event – so once you’ve reached your limit of peopling, or you feel your anxiety rising, or you feel your recovery slipping – then you can just leave – no need to rely on someone to get you home

• If you have to stay “on site” and can’t be in separate accommodation; find a place that you can grab 5 minutes in. I’ve been known to hang out in a laundry for 5. Just calming myself and talking myself out of a “true and frank exchange of ideas” with someone. If you can, go for a walk.

• Find a buddy, confide in a trusted friend, have a password which alerts them that you need help leaving or just getting out of a tricky conversation

• Pick your battles. There are some people who just see the world differently to you; and they may be insulting, ignorant, or offensive. Don’t argue with them. Just listen and then walk away. You will never change them. So don’t waste your precious energy trying

• Remember, “No” is a complete sentance

• If you struggle with food issues, or you don’t operate well on an empty stomach; eat before you go. Being Hangry does nobody any good. Having a healthy snack before you get there will limit the effects of junk food and alcohol

• Drink water. If there is a no 1 rule for life it is Drink Water. Lol. We are often unconscious as to what our level of dehydration is. Often we’re not tired or hungry, we’re just thirsty

• Accept that you will hear the same things from the same people about your life choices. Again, you will never change their world view – so don’t even try. Listen to the positive thoughts you get from people who’s opinions you actually care about. Remember, you don’t need to justify any of your life choices – they are yourself to make.

• Try to not over commit. This is SUCH an insane time of year. You don’t need to be at everything; buy everything; see everyone. Life will continue after the festive season. You will have way better catch ups with the people you care about, once the crazy is done.

• Don’t buy into the hype. Media and social media present us with endless images of the perfect festive season. None of it is true. We all have things at this time of year we find challenging. Nothing in life is perfect. This time of year is no exception

• Touch nature. Be it the beach here in the South or a snow ball or forest up in the North. Touching nature will ground you. It will give you a chance to breathe. Hopefully it will remind you of what is important.

• Give yourself grace. If you do end up in an argument, or you over indulge or you struggle. Give yourself grace. Tomorrow is a new day. We all slip, we all stuff up.It is a ridiculous time of year.

It sometimes feels like we all lose a grip, which is socially acceptable at this time of year – until it isn’t. We gather with people we normally wouldn’t and magically we expect perfection. We set huge expectations on others and ourselves, and we think were failures when it doesn’t go To PlanBut we can sensibly rehearse our participation. Not my ‘brain tiring’ rehearsing of conversations. But by spending a few minutes working out what is best for Me. Because in the long run, by rehearsing what is best for Me, means I present the best version of myself; and that is best for everyone.

I hope you stay safe over the next week.

I hope you all stay well.

Kia mau te rongo ki a koemo tera wa, e hoa ma

I wish you all Peace

Until next time Friends