running

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin’ still
Said I gotta do something
About where we’re goin’

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing ooh la, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day

Sweet the sin, bitter the taste in my mouth
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice

You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day

She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain

In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea

She is ragin’, she is ragin’
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She will suffer the needle chill
She’s running to stand still

-U2

Long before I had any real understanding of addiction or mental health issues, I heard this song. And even before I knew it was about heroin addiction, I understood how the song Felt.

I understood the Running to Stand Still.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs; but I do, now, understand the mental aspects of addiction and that need to get out of one’s skin; to fill my life with things and stuff, somehow to fill the void. We call it filling the hole in the soul. Tho, I didn’t know then that that’s what I was feeling.. I didn’t have the words

In the latter stages before recovery I was always very Busy. Yes, I did have a lot on my plate; and yes my life was very full. But that wasn’t why I was Busy. Being busy was just another way of Running. If I looked Busy, everyone would think I was OK. I would look sorted; in control, coping. If I was Busy, I couldn’t commit to things I knew would make me ask myself hard questions; I couldn’t be in situations I knew would make me uncomfortable. If I was Busy, I could back out at the last minute, if suddenly it seemed too hard. If I were Busy, I could hide.

And in reality I was Busy; life was full of things I had no control over. Things that sapped my soul. But I could’ve delegated some; I could’ve asked for help. I could’ve let some stuff go. But being Busy was a vey good shield for me… and I kept it up for years.

Being constantly on the move – Running – meant I never had to pause; to take account; to assess where I was headed. It meant I never had to stop to grieve the things I needed to grieve. The years of infertility, my daughter; our change in circumstances; my whanau’s health issues… I put off grief, because I was Busy; while in truth, I was simply Running..

Sometimes rock bottom just looks like running out of steam. Understanding finally, that you just need to Stop. Stop running, stop filling your every hour with things; stop the addictions; stop the avoidance; stop the habits…. Just stop…

No two rock bottoms look the same; but I can guarantee that every lead up to a rock bottom has a similar  looking set of behaviours

Avoidance; secrets; filling the hole in our soul, whichever way we can. Never talking; never telling anyone; feeling less than; feeling at a loss; not even feeling at all…

So we Run; we chase that thing that will make us feel better; even if it is fleeting. It is better than not feeling at all, all the time…

The true gift that living a life of recovery is that we no longer have to Run. I can now fill my life with pauses, reflections, serenity. I can be Busy with things that bring me joy – not things to distract. I can recognise when I am Running once more, and find a healthy way to change that need.

I have found a life where I put Peace above everything else. The hole in my soul is filled when I am at peace. It isn’t filled with the shopping; the snacking; the Running. It is filled when I do the things that bring me Peace. Some of those choices are hard. Sometimes it does mean saying no to invitations. Sometimes it is walking away from people or situations that aren’t good for me.

But having felt serenity, I know that that is how I want to always feel. Is that selfish? I don’t think so. I am better if I am well. I am better for others when I feel whole.

I still Run. I still occasionally overcommit and am too Busy. But these days I know that that won’t last. That Running is not the answer. That simplifying everything will make me stand still….

E kore te pātiki e hoki ki tōna puehu

The flounder does not return to its disturbed sand.