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I write a lot these days about peace, serenity and tranquillity. When I accidently fell into this recovery life, I was seeking relief from depression and MH issues. I didn’t know what that relief looked like, what it would entail and what it was I needed to do. I knew, I just needed to change. Change is scary. Some of us would much prefer to live in pain than try anything new – which even as I type that out, sounds incredibly stupid – even to me lol.

Why would you choose pain and discomfort over feeling well? It somehow doesn’t make sense. Its not logical.

And that’s the real issue. It isn’t logical, but our emotions and emotional state of mind are seldom logical…

Those of us wired a bit differently, or whos wiring has been short-circuited by loss, are not processing via logic. We are running on pure reactiveness and self-preservation – even if that looks like choosing to stay in pain..

I once read that true weight loss takes time and life changes. The time should be measured in how long it took for us to become overweight – that would point as to the time it should take for us to return to healthy living. Quick fixes are never a long term solution. And by taking the time to loss the weight slowly, we are more likely to learn new ways of living that will keep us in a healthier lifestyle long term. Crash diets almost never work, because we have not learned a different relationship with food or our bodies….

The same has been true for my recovery journey, and that of many of my friends. There was no quick fix for me. No magic bullet to make me feel better instantly. Until I learned a new way of living, I was condemned to just keep sliding back to how I lived before.

And to be honest, if I knew over 6 years ago, how many changes I would need to make, and how different I would need to live, I’m not sure I would’ve started. I think I may well, have continued to just live in discomfort, and pain, because it was familiar and felt safe.

I have had to reset some of the basics of how I interact with others. And I know some have found that hard. They miss “good old Chris”, and all she brought. But “good old Chris” was slowly draining the will to live from me.

It still goes against how I’m wired to be a little “selfish”, to not be all things to all people… to stop being a different version of myself in every situation. That shit was just exhausting. I am moving more to “this is me, love me or loathe me, it is what it is”…. And its also “you know where I am”. I cannot keep chasing what I want from others.  I need to accept that, like me, “they are who they are, like them or loathe them, it is what it is”… I am handing in my resignation from being the stage director for all the people around me Lol

It has been over 6 years of self-discovery; learning new things about myself; setting boundaries; making different choices. None of it has been easy. None of it painless – but it has been a different kind of pain, one I have chosen, because I see a new life in my future. I certainly have not done any of this stuff alone. I have been blessed with a cohort of people, also learning a new way of living who are generous with their wisdom and learnings. Who will listen without judgement – which is a rare gift to be given.

And now I know that the thing I was searching for, that I could not name was Peace.  That inner feeling of no noise; no overthinking; no second guessing; no rerunning every interaction. Serenity. Soulfulness. Calm. Tranquillity.

Whatever my life looks like in the fututre, I still don’t know where I am going really lol; I know what I want it to Feel like. I crave that peace; that contentment. I seek solitude more and more often. I have found peace within my own skin and my own head. I will never take it for granted again, and will continue to do all those things, easy or hard, to hang on to it…

Who really knows if that “little cottage by the sea” is actually in my future; but wherever I land I will take this inner peace with me…

“Mā te kimi ka kite, mā te kite ka mōhio, mā te mōhio ka mārama.”

“Seek and discover; discover and know; know and become enlightened”