Capital
I recently started a new chapter on my health and wellness journey. I knew going in, that I was in line for a hairy couple of weeks, where my body would resent my healthy choices lol. I prepped myself, I hold the goal ahead of me, so I know why and where I am heading. And yes, it has been uncomfortable, and yes I have been cranky. But, perversely, I know, below, that I am beginning to feel better. So I continue
Aside this decision I have also been confronted with unreconciled things from my past. And the associated discomfort that facing these things comes with. I know I have the wherewithal to manage all these things. I have a recovery toolbox, things that I can lean in to to make the transition easier.
But I also decided to do a deep dive into the last 7 years. In most of my meetings I take notes. And have filled a fair few notebooks with quotes, revelations; pieces of inspiration; reading references and the wisdom so generously shared with me by the people I have met along the way.
My Recovery Capital. That volume of wisdom that I have incorporated into my life, to lead a life more in line with health and peace than whatever the shit show was before.
Some bits of the capital I use daily or weekly – daily gratitude, setting a daily intention, “Wu Wei – do no thing”; “chop wood, carry water” – that do daily chores until the storm passes; do just 1 thing today to make a change; “this too will pass”; “Stay connected”; Breathe…
These things have become second nature and are a daily, automatic practice.
But there was so much more in my Recovery Capital. Things I had forgotten. It was so good to revisit the things that resonated along my way.
The Ship theory – we don’t need to be our own helmsperson; handing over steering our boat is often the smartest idea. That when sailing against a wind, a boat will tack from side to side, confronting stuff head on is not the only way, and often not the best way. That dealing with stuff, often takes time and various steps – not just sailing straight into the storm and hoping for the best.
Looking at the Isms that ail us. Not just addiction, but the other behaviours and habits that hold us back.. “martyrdom”, “emotional overspending “; “shame vs guilt – leads to thinking for no purpose”; carrying a “rolodex of resentments”; “energy flows where attention goes”; the very chatty “committee in my head”; “perfectionism – the second ism”; and the “not enoughness”.. Hearing these things that I had subconsciously thought were just Me over the years. Realising that others were wired like me, and they had the instruction book that I had been seeking all my life. and that they were willing to freely share with me; that I now freely share with others. That was amazing!
Filling my toolbox with all sorts of tricks and practices that have becoming second nature.. Handing over; acceptance; journalling; use of the Fuckit Bucket; pausing; breathing; meditation; touching the grass… Things I have at my disposal at any given moment to change how I feel in that moment.
Various philosophies that we learned about, new ways of looking at life; new practices to take on “Eudaimonia – good spirit; living well. Flourishing, rather than a fleeting mood. Not seeking Happiness, but seeking Peace”; “Aristotle: “Every virtue is a mean between two vices:one of excess and one of deficiency”; “Wu wei – conscious non action – do no thing”; “Balance in Confucian philosophy is the pursuit of equilibrium and harmony. (Zhongyong or the Doctrine of the Mean), where inner composure meets proper external action.”; Lao Tzu – a man with inner courage dares to live;” Publilius Syrus There is no fruit which is not bitter before it is ripe”. Wisdoms from ancient cultures that are as relevant toady as wen they were first penned. The human condition being an eternal problem lol
Learning mantras to live by… ” HALT – hungry, angry, lonely, tired”; “Fight or flight or face your fears”; a favourite of mine – “Uncover/discover/recover”; a work in progress of mine – ” Restraint of tongue and Pen (and email and soc media) lol”; “Adapt and adept”; and the most important one – “Keep coming back”…
I am so privileged to have all this wisdom not only at my disposal; but at the ready to give away to who ever needs it. Because this Capital only works if I pass it on. Its not to be hoarded, its to be shared. We live our lives out loud, so that someone way hear the very thing they need to hear.
I am not the woman I was 7+ years ago. I think I am a better version of Me, some people may not agree, but that is not my problem. This year has felt like almost a crossroads. I know I have done The Mahi, the work. I know I have all this Capital at my disposal. But I think I can get complacent. I can think “is this it? Is this all there is now?”; but of course, it just means I need to find the next challenge. The next thing I need to work on.
This year is the Chinese Year of The Fire Horse, predicted to be a BIG ONE. I haven’t had fireworks as such; no loud attention seeking changes; more a consolidation. I have let go of things I never ever thought I could live without. Quietly pruning back my life and practices. Outwardly I no doubt look unchanged, but I know somewhere along this year I have “levelled up”. I am more whole than I have ever been, and value myself more than I ever have. I have found the elusive Peace…
I am currently organising my last trip to Dublin for the 3rd visit to that extraordinary gift that has been given to me. That meeting of my recovery pals to do some “Real Mahi” – hard work. No doubt it will uncover things I haven’t been considered. But I am ready. And I am excited,
This recovery life really has given me things “beyond my wildest dreams”, but more importantly it has given me acceptance of all the quiet riches I always had…
“Mā te whakarongo, ka mōhio, mā te mōhio, ka mārama, mā te mārama, ka matau, mā te matau, ka ora.”
Through listening, comes knowledge; through knowledge, comes understanding; through understanding, comes wisdom; through wisdom, comes wellbeing.
