sands

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

Those of us of a certain age, will remember this opening line from an 80s and beyond soap opera from the US… I was thinking of it the other day, the way old tag lines come through our memories for no apparent reason, and it made me think..

Life is never still.

We are never still.

Humans like certainty. But certainty is the one thing we don’t have. Sometimes the sands shift gradually, almost imperceptible. Sometimes they are seismically moved. Sometimes we are surprised by the change, it was there last time we looked. Sometimes we’ve moved, and don’t notice the change at all.

It is never neat like a Japanese sand garden. It is genetically like the wind. Swirling and unpredictable..

When there is a seismic shift in our sands; there is also a shift in reality or perception..  In the midst of grief, I have always been surprised how the world appears to continue to revolve… While I have come to a screeching halt, everyone else seems to just continue in their everyday lives. If I go to the supermarket, I see all the people just filling their trollies, paying for their groceries and then leaving; while I stumble through, unable to concentrate long enough to get the basics. You feel like you have slipped into a parallel universe, or you are in some bubble that keeps you separate from everyday life. While you are organising hospital care, or funerals or what ever new thing needs to be done, because life has changed, I am keenly aware of life continuing around me. it can be very disconcerting.

Even with a small shift in the sands, there is a feeling of the puzzlement, life feels just a little out of kilter. It’s almost like you’ve slipped a little off axis. Most things look familiar, but around the edges, there are things that don’t add up. For those of us who love the familiar, it can cause some anxiety.

When the big shifts happen to you there is often support – some better than others, tbh – but there is generally support offered.. But sometimes that support fades away, before we’ve become used to the new topography of our lives. People have a timeline in their head of how long things take. It may be their experience, or their skill set. But they seem to expect everything to go back to “their” normal. Not realising that your normal has irrevocably changed. And with it You. After a huge change, we are not who we were before, and chances are, that person is gone. Replaced by whatever new version of us evolves to suit the new life.

That is hard on all of us. Mainly us, but also those around us. They have had the sands of their lives shift – without them realising – and it will take them time to realise, and then process the changes, separately from us; in parallel sometimes. We don’t have to be aware of this. But I think in all our healing, it helps if we do. They are missing the version of us, the one before, that we are also missing. Nobody gives you a map to navigate all of this…

 So how do we adapt? How do we move forward, together? Sometimes, sadly, we can’t. a HUGE shift of those sands can so alter everyone’s landscapes, that we simply move apart. These new chasms, sometimes too wide to renegotiate…

But, often, we just need time. I don’t believe time heals every wound. But I do think time sometimes gives us the space to learn our new surroundings. Our New Normal (such an awful saying!)

I find, unconditional love is the key. For my friends who have had massive, unexpected changes, in their lives, I have found, that if I keep the fact I love them front and centre, it makes all those other thigs fall into place. My love for them, affords them the time they need to adapt. My love for them gives them grace. My love for them translates into giving myself grace, to accept the new, mourn for the old, and be whatever they need. It also helps me forgive myself for when I am impatient that this thing has happened; when I find myself impatient with them – I am human after all.

I also find acceptance a key to moving forward. Accepting the things I cannot change; the things others cannot change. Another well-worn phrase – but it is the key to peace. The key to serenity.

When my sands shift, either seismically or imperceptibly, there is often nothing I can do about it. I have no control; but if I accept I have no control then I find peace – eventually lol. The same when other’s lives have changed. I could rail against their loss, and by extension, mine. Or I can just accept that this thing has happened, and we all need to find a way forward.

By deciding which bits of my life matter, I can find a new way. Just like decluttering my house I can discard the things I really don’t need to carry forward. Keeping only the things that bring me peace and joy. By deciding to focus on the good things I have in my life, my daily gratitude, I can weather most of the shifting sands…. And those that really throw me? Well I tackle those 1 day at a time.

For those I love unconditionally? I choose to use the same set of tools. Focus on the good bits, the core person who is still there. Grateful that I have them in my life. I can choose which of the things they do that maybe irk me and ignore them. I give them Grace. I try to be my best version around them, so amidst their shifting sands, they know they have something solid to hang on to…

None of us know what tomorrow brings, or the day after that, or next week, or next week… so just for today, I choose to enjoy what I have. Stock up on all the good stuff. Find my peace for today.. So that whatever the sands look like tomorrow, I have some good things in my Kete to get me through…

Ehara ko te ia o te wai

Ehara hoki ko te pupuhi o te hau

Engari ko te whakatika kē o ngā rā

Ka tae or ate waka ki uta

It is not the direction in which the current flows

Nor is it in the direction which the wind blows

Rather it is the setting of the sails

That enables a canoe to reach its destination