aloud

I’ve been at a couple of meetings recently, that talked about death, grief and recovery. The theme that came through is that there are not enough discussions about any of it.

We don’t like to talk about death, even though it is our only certainty. Society likes us to grieve “neatly”. Quietly without disturbing others. And Recovery? Well, let’s not talk about all that uncomfortable stuff that lead you into addiction, mental health problems and suicidal thoughts. Don’t live with your diagnosis of bi-polar, ADHD, autism or schizophrenia Out Loud. It is not seen as seemly to talk about these very common conditions at all…

So why all the secrecy? Why do we let others’ discomfort make us turn inwards? Social constraints? How many of us have heard “In my day, there was none of this Mental Health malarky. We just got on with it”. And to an extent in the world wars, and subsequent years, they did. But the damage was still done. People were still suffering from PTSD, depression, and all the neurodivergences. They coped with drinking, living very small lives; violence; having “funny turns”; being locked in awful asylums; killing themselves; killing others. All those conditions that are apparently new, were still there, but generations lived with their heads in the sand – if we didn’t acknowledge it, it didn’t exist.

All families had an uncle or aunt who were deemed a bit odd. Who collected jam jars, or train tickets, who’s houses were ‘very neat and tidy’, who lived by a set of rules they could not deviate from. Or were called ‘eccentric’ for not leading the life expected of everyone, They all had aunts and uncles who never married, but lived with their “friend” or “companion”.

How sad that all these people could not be their true authentic selves.

How sad that they had to hide their truth from the world?

So what was wrong with the old system? Nothing, if you fitted that rigid set of conditions. If you and your family had no MH issues; were all neurotypical; were heterosexual and desired marriage for life, 2.5 children and a free standing house.

But fall outside any of those parameters and suddenly you have to either lie, bend yourself to fit; or feel like you are abnormal, not ‘quite right’. And as we know, MH, addiction and all those negative behaviours LOVE secrecy. They love to keep us apart, to feed our feelings of isolation. To continue the narrative, that we are not enough. That somehow, because our grief fells us; our need for order and nothing to change rules our lives, that we are Less.

Except we are not Less. We are all Enough.

Once we bring all of these things out into the light, they start to lose their negative impact.

Once we have conversations about how much of the world’s progress is due to the very Single Focus that people on the autism spectrum are so skilled in. Once we acknowledge that the very best art of all types is produced and created by people whose strength is their colour and vibrancy. Once we offer real, open assistance to people who struggle with MH conditions. Once we talk, Out Loud, about dying, death, suicide and grief.

Only then do we actually celebrate Life in all its technicolour.

The theory that talking out loud about suicide, somehow encourages people to take their lives, is flawed. It’s only by showing people who feel everyone is better off without them, how wrong they are, that we save lives.

The Recovery group I belong to, online and in my meetings, very deliberately, Recover Out Loud. There is no shame, no hiding who they are. By telling their stories, they are found by people who think they are unique (terminally unique). People, who once they realise that there are other people, like them, they can find Hope.

I have found talking in real life about depression, grief, loss has let people know I am a safe place. A place they can say so those inner awful, thoughts out loud. That there is a way. There is Hope. They are not weird, or different, they are just who they are.

We can celebrate everyone’s uniqueness. We can let people live the lives for which they are best equipped. Even down to letting the night owls work later in the day, leaving the early starts to the morning larks. (I can almost hear the mutterings that that won’t work… lol)

We can enjoy the quirky tastes of others, while maintaining the look that we are most comfortable with.

We can talk about those taboo subjects. Nobody enjoys talking about dying. But wouldn’t it be nice if we could all die on our own terms? Being at peace?

Some cultures do death well. They accept that it is an inevitable part of life. and by their traditions, they celebrate the Life of the person, while letting the grief work through its natural course. I can remember in my youth, children were discouraged from attending funerals, because it would upset them. But they too need the facility to say goodbye to a person who has been important to them. They need to see the adults in their lives are sad too. Rather than being upset by the tears, it helps them to make sense of the sadness that they feel too.

I am a huge fan of a funeral. People coming together, to remember the person they knew. To offer comfort to each other. To acknowledge the loss, and to start the grieving process. Funerals are for the living… a huge step in how we process loss.

I’ve talked here, about losses that aren’t acknowledged. Miscarriage, relationships and life opportunities that didn’t pan out. If we do this stuff Out Loud, it might make others a bit uncomfortable – but it might also find you the very people who understand, who know how you feel. Who have walked this path before you, who have some pointers. There is so much merit in support groups – and yes, if you’d asked me about them a few years ago, I would’ve cringed. I thought I could do all this stuff alone…

Talking about all the bad stuff doesn’t make it suddenly popular; I see so much misinformation about how it is ‘trendy’ to have a neurodivergence diagnosis. When actually, people are finally finding out why they felt out of synch with everyone else. I am never surprised at how many people who are “different” turn up in recovery. It is almost as if, a lifetime of trying to fit in the same as everyone else, has made them seek very destructive coping mechanisms, which eventually led to recovery, for some. For the lucky ones who find recovery. The rest, we know, just don’t make it at all..

So here’s to living all our facets Aloud. Here’s to all those difficult conversations; here’s to acceptance of our individuality. Here’s to everyone living their true lives, proudly and Aloud..

Tautoko

Waiho i te toipoto,

kaua i te toiroa

Support

Let us keep close together,

Not far apart