7

This week, I passed another milestone.

7 years ago, 2 strangers on the internet, heard what I was not saying out loud, and paused long enough to listen. On some social media you can be truly anonymous, and find ‘Safe Soc Med Strangers’, who will notice what you cannot say in real life. I can remember, being at my lowest and pouring out my heart to someone I had never met, confident that, in the morning, I could wipe away all traces of our conversation and delete the connection. I assume it’s what drove people to confide in bartenders in the past… anonymity

Luckily for me; in the morning, when my finger hovered over the delete button; they reached back out and said “that’s a lot”.

And so I stayed. In some strange way, I knew I had found a safe space, a life preserver, thrown through the ether…

I talked, they listened. Gently, non-judgementally, kindly….

I struggle each year, to “celebrate” my recovery anniversary. Unlike other people I don’t have a date when I stopped using a substance. The famous AA/NA/OA soberversary date. I didn’t give up anything on that day. So for me, it is more an arbitrary line in the sand. I was Me then, and then I was different.

The last 7 years have been full!. There was a pandemic, some other disastrous world events, and personally, so many lost friends and whanau. But even with all that backdrop, I started to live a better life.

It hasn’t been easy. And there was at least 1 more rock bottom – almost a year to the day – but with the help of more ‘Safe Soc Med Strangers’, I have navigated all that background stuff and still  started healing me.

Outwardly, I don’t know that my life looks any different. But inwardly, I am simply not Her anymore. And whenever the shit hits the fan, the only thing I know, is I cannot possibly go back to being Her again.

Each of the 7 years has been different. Each year I have learned new life skills. Each year I have grown to understand and nurture the young child that still lives inside. She has forgiven me, for so much…

This last year has felt like a consolidation year. Actually Living with all those mechanisms I have learned. Letting go of so much excess baggage. Putting in strong boundaries, while forgiving others their humanness.

I Accept that I don’t know what my future holds, letting the Universe unfold. Believing that it will be ok.

My word of the year is Enthusiasm. It seemed too difficult a concept to work with until someone gave me this definition –

The word comes from the Greek enthousiasmos, derived from entheos, which means to be possessed or inspired by a divine spirit.

And that worked. Handing over everything, lets me live with enthusiasm for what comes along… and that, I understand.

I reread The Desiderata recently. And that final verse always gets me, always reminds me to Trust.

“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him or Her to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”

So for the next year I will continue to do what I have learned. I start my day with an intention for the day, and finish it with Gratitude.

I write

I paint

I touch the earth

I listen to water

I pause to drink in the beauty around that I am blessed with

And I pursue Peace. Not happiness, because that is always fleeting, but Peace. Because when I have Peace, everything is possible…

Mā te kimi ka kite, mā te kite ka mōhio, mā te mōhio ka mārama
Seek and discover, discover and know, know and become enlightened.