couch

I write this from my couch, pooch at my side..

It has been a tough couple of weeks. I live in an area with a high number of pine forests, and this is the time of year they explode out their pollen. (Google it, and then sneeze lol). I used to have a slight sniffle as a result. But since I have had long covid, my body seems to take it very personally and I react worse. And since my stint in hospital 2 years ago, my lungs seem to take it even more personally. So its been a few weeks of sneezing and wheezing

Because I am me, I just assume I will pop and antihistamine and carry on as before… but of course, that is no longer Me.

I haven’t been sleeping as well as I would normally either; and that always has a flow on affect. Less sleep, less recouperation over night and everything else is worse

If I am honest I resent having a chronic condition. I try to ignore the reality of it, and will always answer with “I’m doing ok” if people ask. My head understands my new limitations, but my heart is unimpressed.

This latest stint has really had me looking at my reaction. I cannot keep fighting myself, over things I have no control over. Like my old MH issues, this is just another thing for me to work on. Reluctantly, grumpily lol; but just another thing to process

I realised that logically I understand my new limitations, but emotionally I’m still the person that feels guilty, if I am not living at 100%. I should be doing X, Y & Z; but I can’t and that’s ok? I never want to let people down, so I try to organise my times when I’m not “on” as when I am recovering/recuperating; until I am “on” again. I have to accept the weeks the brain fog appears, it is what it is. Railing against it, doesn’t change a thing. It probably (well definitely) makes me less pleasant to be around.

Living with others with chronic conditions should help. It does give me insight into how these things affect us all, day to day. But I still get frustrated. Is that normal? Probably..

I, of course, hate pity. Hate asking for help. I hate to be seen as That person, who’s always using their health as en excuse to not turn up. I would much rather organise my time, so that when I am needed I am as fresh as I can be; when I am not, I am recuperating. But that isn’t a foolproof scheme, as the last couple of weeks have shown. The Pine pollen has utterly flattened me. and all the things I had planned to do, to prep for my next event have fallen by the wayside. So I sit here trying to let myself let go of my expectations and turn on acceptance… and I don’t like it Lol…

I am better than I was a couple of years ago, though. I do schedule Couch Days. Where I sit, with the pooch, on the couch and knit, or scroll my phone. I let myself rest. But what to do when the couch day doesn’t work??? Of course, I realise I am just trying to control the uncontrollable… and that sounds like very familiar territory for me; of my MH recovery journey…

I have to prescribe myself self-care for my body, as well as my mind..

I have to accept my new life

I have to ask for help

I have to be honest and kind with myself

And I don’t have to like any of these things lol

we all know, these are not things that come naturally to me…

So this weekend, I will try to just Be. Try to go with the flow, and see how my week pans out. Lower my expectations of what I can do and deliver…

Use the things I know how to do, to bring myself Peace…

And as an aside, the pooch is VERY pleased when he finds me on the couch for the day… maybe I should learn from him….

Mā te whakapono

Mā te whakapono — By believing and trusting

Mā te tūmanako — By having faith and hope

Mā te titiro — By looking and searching

Mā te whakarongo — By listening and hearing

Mā te mahitahi — By working and striving together

Mā te manawanui — By patience and perseverance

Mā te aroha — By all being done with love

Ka taea e au e matou — I can succeed