The muse has been on the road, so we’ve missed a whole load of blog deadlines.. lol but as we know, the muse does like to travel…
I did my annual road trip with Mum dropping off the knitting we both do for a baby charity. It really is an annual feel good trip. And we head north via a different route every year, so we can explore roads untravelled of Aotearoa…
There is a lot of driving time, amidst some of the most beautiful places on earth. And hence a lot of thinking and sorting time. I often have breakthroughs on a good roadie. Free time, the beauty, the smell of the sea, always seem to clear my pathways.
And inevitably, there is some connection or event that causes me to pause and evaluate. I might meet up with an old friend, that makes me see the passage of time; or, quite weirdly I get an online contact I wasn’t expecting that also makes me pause. The universe huh? Bringing me what I need when I have the time and capacity to process it…
This trip, in particular, has brought me a huge amount of clarity. Especially about the last 3 years, when end on end loss, threw me into grief that I needed time and space to process… I have looked back on some of the things I have done; and how I felt during those years, and accepted I maybe wasn’t the best I could be. But I cannot feel appalled by my actions, I was not whole. Maybe I’m still not, but I feel a clarity now, that I haven‘t had in a long while.
Interestingly it has been a time that I have really worked on my boundaries. Perhaps I learned, while I was in so much pain, that I needed to be very clear about who and how I let people into my life. I think I learned to limit access to Me. I often think I haven’t moved, that others have. But of course I have moved too.. my dear Recovery Posse have given me tools, mirrors, guidance; support; care; aroha to find my worth, over the years, and more importantly to protect it.
When I was younger I had really good instincts. Somewhere along the line they became muddled, and then I stopped trusting them. I think, and hope that they have retuned. Better tuned than before.
There is not much in life I have control over – and for me there isn’t much that I should have control over. But I can control who I let into my life; and what that looks like. I shouldn’t be “open all hours”; I should take care of myself first. If it feels Off, I should listen to that feeling and create a gap. My ability to help others is limited by how well I am. And by pausing now, I can react in a way that is appropriate.
I spend a lot of time these days, stepping back saying “not my circus; not my monkeys”. It is simply not my role in life to solve everyone else’s relationship problems. Or actually, anyone else’s problems. I can only work on myself.
My role is simply to be the best and healthiest version of Me… (lol I an just hear my Scottish friend saying “By god! She’s got it!!”) 😉
I saw something recently where someone said, “Do you want me to listen, so you are heard? Or do you want my advice too?” So simple! I have learned to wait until I am asked…
I had 2 unexpected interactions while I was away. One filled me with utter joy; One set off an hour or so of jumbled over thinking. The 2nd was resolved when the another piece of information landed… my boundary held. I KNEW I was making the right choice…
I will normally give people 2nd or even 3rd chances. But if I see a pattern of behaviour that is negative; or not healthy for me; I will walk away. I finally believe that I am worth more…
Time on the road always gives me space. I know it looks like I am forever analysing my life – but that only takes up a small part of my days. Of course, I report back here, so you all see the results. But on the road I can really breathe. I see new places; feel new things and taste new foods… maybe in a past life I was an explorer? Who knows. Maybe a scholar – I do like to keep learning about the world..
This trip felt special. I really felt like with every corner I turned – and yes there were many; the roads of Aotearoa, NZ notoriously windy lol – I let go of some of the weight I’ve been carrying for the last 3 years.
I haven’t moved on from the friends who have passed; but I have left some of that soul wrenching grief behind me. I can remember them now, without that chasm that I was standing next to, for so long… and I’m back in a place when I can truly appreciate the things they gave me in life..
I do miss their wisdom and their friendship. I miss the laughs; the late night chats; the sharing of our worlds with each other. Our history. And I still feel the void that some have left, in the friendships for those of us who remain… but I know time is doing her work. And I know that those friendships will remain, they just might look a little different…
I also realised, somewhere on the road, that I need to stop raging at numpties on the socials. It makes no difference to them; and it damages me… we will see how long it lasts this time..
So I found peace on a windswept mountain. Freezing, almost unable to stay standing.
I found serenity looking across the bluest of lakes to the 3 snow covered, volcanic peaks that live in the centre of the North Island.
I found Joy in reconnecting with a friend….
And I passed on all those wee woollen creations that have filled my ‘couch days’, with useful labour. I know that in the next few months they will wrap Aroha around those tiny Tamariki.. it feeds my soul every year.
So the muse may have seemed quiet over the last two weeks.. but she has been very busy showing me all the things I have to be grateful for. All the ways I have moved forward. And how, like my car, I am travelling in the right direction… .
“Ko te pae tawhiti, whāia kia tata. Ko te pae tata, whakamaua kia tina”
“Seek out distant horizons and cherish those you attain.”
