The muse has been distracted of late. Well, I have been lol. So the blog isn’t flowing with its usual regularity..
I must get back on track
The reality is, that over the last couple of months, I have been suffering from the effects of my Long Covid. It has been a bad year for Pine pollen – that sulphurous powder that seems to coat everything when its early spring. I used to get hay fever, but nothing like I do now. It seems quite implausible to be levelled by fine yellow powder, but here we are…
I often allude to my condition, but usually I prefer to ignore it. It doesn’t go away when ignored, but it does hold less weight over my life… except, of course it doesn’t.
Anyone suffering from a chronic condition knows it changes your life. I think we all go through the usual grieving process when life throws a curve ball… maybe I am finally at the acceptance stage..
I live with people with chronic conditions, so you would think I would know better…but maybe, I thought I could just willpower through it. Typical addict behaviour. Huh?
4 years ago I got covid for the first time. And I never got better. I never went back to how I was before. If you can remember, I had spent 2 years walking long distances and had taken up cycling after my knee gave out. I can remember taking my last ride, the morning I was due to go away to the wedding I caught covid at. I can remember thinking “I’ll just squeeze in one last ride, before we hit the road”… Never realising it would be the last ride. I can remember enjoying it though. The joy I was getting from biking around had not lessened.
And this is not a Pity Party Post. I am abled. I can still live a full life. I just need to pace myself; say no occasionally; and accept that after every big thing I do, I need to do nothing
And there lies the rub. I am not a Do Nothing kinda girl. I like to be busy, to live a full life; to have something on the boil all the time.
So I’ve had 4 years of frustration. I’m sure it has affected my MH at times. But I needed to process the changes – just like we all need to process every curve ball
I am very lucky. At my stage of life and my circumstances, I have the capacity to absorb all these changes. I was already semi retired. And yes, I am still responsible for all the folk I live with; but they have learned to step up, extend themselves; work through their limitations too. And none of that is a bad thing.
I am lucky that I can still travel. Albeit slower and less frenetic. And boy are the recovery times getting longer. but I have the ability to factor that in.
Mentally it means I have to really be honest with myself and with others. I can’t sign up for every invitation I get now. But those I do, I relish! I can’t go to every concert, every weekend away; every rugby game. But I can still do most of it. The understanding is, that I don’t schedule anything for the week I get back.
Finding painting this year has been massive! Recreating the things I have taken photos of on my travels, gives me another moment to reminisce, an added level of joy to my trips. Now my photos have a secondary purpose. I see the things around me with 2 or 3 sets of eyes – memory gathering; perfect photo; or something to be recreated later. And the meditative aspect of painting has not been lost on me. A new way to be creative – that has to be a good thing, right?
The changing circumstances and health of my extended whanau has meant I have travelled differently this year. Some of us are aware the capacity for roadies may not always be there – so why not squeeze in a couple of extras where we can? The passing of time, making it feel more important to bank these trips. Travel now because who knows?
I am lucky to live with someone who has had a chronic condition for over half their life. man do they do it well!! Never grumbling. Just pure acceptance. It is inspirational. The epitome of “it is what it is”. All the while, living the best life possible. And testing their limitations all the time, to see what else they can add and improve their life with.
As a household, we pool our energy resources. We lighten each other’s loads where we can. And we accept when someone else cannot do their share on any given day. Is this the life I thought I would be living at 61? Nope! But it is the life we have, so we just keep living it.
When I have a ‘crash’ or whatever term is used. When I just run out of energy, nobody here exhorts me to Do Better. They just pick up the slack or accept “Freezer Surprise” as tonight’s dinner.
I, however, have let frustration get the better of me at times. I am very pissy that this has happened. I am an appalling patient at the best of times. I often felt like it was just a matter of trying harder, being better… that old not enoughness again… It has taken a great deal of mental work to come to the place I am now. I have learned, as one with a chronic condition inevitably does, that you cannot simply push through it. That doesn’t work. And if any of you out there are in a similar position, feel that Pushing Through is an option – it really isn’t.
It all comes back to Acceptance – like most things, it seems, lol.
Accepting of the Things I Cannot Change.
So, with my daily gratitudes; my support network; and with a heap of self-care, I might be there now…
I just accept that this is my life now. That I have tools and supports to keep living my best life. and that it is not a reflection of some weird moral failing that I can not DO Better.. this is just Me. Now.
And who knows, someone somewhere may just discover a new therapy to improve the lives of all of us, hidden away, living shadow lives…
Until then. I live slower, but more mindfully. I relish the good stuff, with gusto. I live in the moment, so I can bank it for later. And I remember, what ever today is like, it is only for today. Tomorrow will be different. And isn’t that exciting?
Mā te whakarongo, ka mōhio, mā te mōhio, ka mārama, mā te mārama, ka matau, mā te matau, ka ora.
Through listening, comes knowledge, through knowledge, comes understanding, through understanding, comes wisdom, through wisdom, comes wellbeing.
